


Under the Bridge, Over the Moon

by Children_of_the_Shadows



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gay Remus Lupin, Gay Sirius Black, M/M, POV Sirius Black, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Werewolf Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:27:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 23,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26768770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Children_of_the_Shadows/pseuds/Children_of_the_Shadows
Summary: ‘The first time I saw you, Sirius, it felt like we’d already met. Not here; not now. But perhaps, in another time, in another universe, we meant something to each other. Maybe as friends, maybe more, but you felt important.’ Remus shrugged, still not meeting Sirius’s eyes fully. ‘When you left, I felt this pull, like I had to follow you; like you had to mean something to me in this world, too.’
Relationships: Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 29
Kudos: 106





	1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** The following contains themes and discussion of suicide. While it is not a primary feature in the story, I hope I have handled it with maturity and in a way that is sensitive to everyone's feelings. 

**Author's Note:** Wow! It's been years since I've posted or written anything. I don't know why I felt like I just _had_ to write this rather long one shot. It just wouldn't leave me until I did. Hope you enjoy!! 

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**Under the Bridge, Over the Moon**

Sirius stared down, the wind whipping his long dark hair into his face. He sniffled, wiping the tears that had sprung in his eyes, feeling angry with himself for being such a coward. This had seemed easier in his head; yet there was no returning from here. Where would he go? The only place he had ever had to seek comfort had been taken away from him tonight. No, perhaps he had lost it much earlier than that, but he had clung on to hope, hadn’t he? Today had only been an affirmation of what he had always known was inevitable.

The water below him was deafening as it rushed under the bridge, dark and ominous ripples reflecting the moonlight. His feet shuffled closer, toes already off the edge and his heels maintaining the little balance needed to keep him standing. One more step and it would be over. One more step and the deep misery he had felt for so long would finally leave him. One more step and he would be free. 

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

‘It won't work, you know.’

Sirius startled at the sudden voice, head whipping back and his balance slipping. For seconds, his entire body was horizontal and he could see the ledge he had been standing on only moments earlier, contemplating his fall. He was only allowed a moment of panic, before a burst of light illuminated under him, and Sirius found himself standing once again on the very same ledge as if nothing had happened. Breathless and wide eyed, he stared at the man in front of him. He was sure he had been alone. 

‘This bridge isn't high enough to kill you,’ the man said softly as he emerged from the shadows with his wand in hand. ‘You'll break every bone in your body and then have to suffer through the excruciating pain of both still being alive, and having the healers piece you back together.’ He moved closer still, revealing his thin, scarred face and sandy blonde hair blowing wayward in the wind. ‘Trust me,’ said the man, extending a hand towards Sirius. The amber eyes that pierced into Sirius's very soul were kind and understanding. ‘You don't want to do this.’

Tears welled in his eyes once more. ‘No,’ whispered Sirius, realising that the man was right. ‘I don't.’

‘And that's okay,’ the man replied softly. ‘It doesn't make you a coward.’

Somehow, that one word captured exactly how Sirius was feeling right then and he let his whole body collapse forward. It felt like a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders and he had no control over the sobs that wracked his body or the feeling of emptiness that consumed him. Strong arms held him steady as his entire being gave away, his feet slipping underneath him and his arms hanging loosely at his sides. He was glad for the silence as he continued to cry for what felt like hours. He was simply glad for the warmth of the stranger’s chest and the steady, calm breaths against his own erratic ones. 

Sirius didn't know how long he took to finally calm himself down, feeling himself still teetering near the edge of hysteria. A deep rooted shame was also starting to creep in, as he realised he'd allowed himself to be vulnerable and weak in front of a complete stranger. After all these years, his carefully constructed mask of indifference had finally broken. 

‘I'm sorry,’ he whispered, slowly moving away. As he did so, he realised that a heavy overcoat now hung from his shoulders, shielding him from the wind. It smelled of chocolate and tea, a scent that was somehow intoxicating in the way that it made him feel comforted and warm. 

‘Thank you for trusting me,’ the man said softly, his hand squeezing Sirius's.

Sirius hadn’t even realised he'd been holding the stranger’s hand still. The minute it was let go, the tremours in his fingers began again and Sirius balled both hands into tight fists to keep control of them. 

‘My name is Remus.’

‘Sirius,’ his voice came out hoarse and shaky. He pulled the coat closer to himself as he shivered, hoping Remus would not ask back for it yet. He didn't feel ready to part with it.

‘Sirius, if it's okay, I can get you a coffee or tea? Remus asked. ‘We can stay here or we could go to a shop nearby. It'll get you out of the cold and if you wanted to talk- you don't have to!’ he assured Sirius quickly, his hands flying up. ‘I just thought we could get out of the cold and I-I always find it's easier to talk to strangers, or we could sit in silence. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable and I can even leave, but-'

‘Yes,’ Sirius cut off Remus's awkward rambling. He didn't know what it was he was agreeing to – the tea or the conversation, but he didn't want to be alone, not yet. ‘Yes, please,’ he said, again holding the coat across his shoulders close. His fingers were still shaking but he ignored them and the larger implications of them. The coat helped, somehow, Sirius did not understand why. So, he did not take it off even when they'd reached the coffee shop and Remus had pulled up a couple of chairs for them. He sat there quietly, still shivering despite the warm interiors, allowing Remus to order for him. 

‘I'm a fool.’ Sirius whispered softly after a long period of silence, where they did nothing but sip their teas. He did not look up, but saw Remus glance at him sympathetically. ‘I’m a fool,’ Sirius repeated, this time more to himself than the other man. He swirled his cup, watching the liquid inside move in a rhythmic pattern. ‘I held on to this stupid fantasy for the longest time that one day, he would turn and finally see me. Just really _see_ me and realise that I've always been here. That I've always loved him. I never stopped or questioned myself. I was always there for him through everything.’ Sirius gripped his mug tightly. ‘Four years I loved him. Four years of hoping he'd love me back and suddenly come running into my arms.’ He laughed bitterly. ‘Even when I was standing on that bloody bridge, I kept hoping he'd come looking for me. Leave his wedding and his wife, and come find me. I'm a terrible person.’ 

‘Love is a terrible thing,’ Remus replied in a measured tone. He took a sip of his tea before speaking again. ‘It takes more than it gives, but the few moments of it that you have take you higher than you've ever flown.’ His slender fingers rested upon Sirius's briefly before he took them away. 

For the first time, Sirius noticed the scarring across the other man's fingers and the deep horizontal cuts that ran across both his wrists. The sleeves of Remus’s white dress shirt were rolled to his elbows and his collar unbuttoned to his clavicle, revealing many more raised scars, some old and some still inflamed and puckered. Unlike the ones on his wrists, these were less measured and more random, though not any less deep. _Werewolf,_ Sirius realised, his Auror training kicking in. The scarring pattern was easily recognisable and so was the unusual way Remus’s eye colour shifted in the light. 

Sirius looked away. ‘What you said about the bridge - is it true?’

A tense silence, then Remus nodded.

Sirius didn't have the courage to ask further, so he sat there in silence as they finished the rest of their tea. It was comfortable; where words felt unnecessary and meaningless. It was the kind of silence Sirius needed to reign in the tears that kept threatening to spill; to calm the shaking of his hands; and to dispel the images of his best friend dancing slowly with his new wife, looking happier than Sirius had ever seen him. It was the kind of silence that was somehow interpreted easily by Remus, who took their empty cups back to the counter and held the door open for him as they exited. It was a silence that spoke to Remus of Sirius’s vulnerabilities as he struggled to apparate back home and kept flickering in and out, before giving in and having to ask for help. 

‘Perhaps all this was a sign,’ Sirius whispered once they;d both appeared near his flat, Remus’s hands encased tightly in his. 

His bike, which he usually rode everywhere, stood idle at the curb, because he couldn't stop his hands from trembling earlier tonight as he got ready to be best man at a wedding he hoped would burn down. He’d been ignoring it for almost a month but it had come to a point where he could no longer steady himself enough to insert his keys into the ignition. He brushed a hand over the leather seat, smiling bitterly, before climbing up the stairs leading to his flat.

‘Perhaps you being here is a sign,’ Sirius said. ‘What were the odds of anyone coming to that bridge tonight, so late no less?’

‘Quite high actually,’ Remus replied, not quite meeting Sirius’s eyes and choosing to stand at the bottom of the stairs instead of coming up. He ran a hand through his hair, making his curls look even more disarray. ‘I followed you there. I was a guest at the wedding,’ he clarified further. ‘I saw you leave and followed you to the bridge.’

‘Oh!’ Sirius replied feeling both relieved and a little bit confused. 

He had never questioned why Remus was wearing a suit at this hour. The man must have been one of Lily's guests. All of James's were either pureblood or from very well off families, in very expensive clothes. Remus was wearing a plain black suit that, though well tailored, was very ordinary. His shoes were scuffed in places and the coat that Sirius had still not taken off was also styled in a fashion that was at least a decade old – Sirius assumed it belonged to Remus's parent or grandparent previously.

‘Why did you follow me out?’ Sirius asked, frowning. His hands fumbled with his front door keys and he cursed as they fell to the ground. 

‘I-' Remus finally climbed up the stairs and helped Sirius pick up the keys. Their hands brushed against each other clumsily. ‘I'd been watching you for some time and you seemed like the only one who was as miserable as I was at that wedding.’ He looked up and a flush of colour crept up his neck and cheeks. ‘I thought we could perhaps share our misery together… _afterwards_.’ 

Sirius backed away as if burned. ‘Oh,’ he replied, feeling his throat tighten. It all made sense now. Why else would Remus go through all this trouble for him – a stranger? The kindness, the tea, the offer to apparate him home, and even now, the lingering at Sirius’s front door – all means to an end. ‘Guess I owe you now, eh?’ Sirius laughed without humour, feeling more foolish than when he’d been sat at the shop. He unlocked his door and violently pushed it, letting it swing wide open and bang against the wall at the back. He did not meet Remus's eyes as he gruffly said, ‘Well, come on in then.’

For a few milliseconds, nothing could be heard but Sirius's shallow, angry breaths coupled with Remus's calm ones. 

‘You've misunderstood me,’ Remus said patiently, moving backwards and away from Sirius, until he was a few steps down. ‘I had wanted to _share_ our misery, not take advantage of yours.’

Sirius felt like crying all over again. 

Remus fidgeted, looking as if he wanted to say something more. ‘Look,’ he said finally. ‘If you feel like you can't get through tonight or you just need someone to speak to,’ he fished out a business card and pen out of his pocket, scribbling a number at the back. ‘This is where I work and that's my home phone number. If you can get access to a muggle pay phone, you can call me. You can usually charm them to work without coins.’ He pushed the card into Sirius's hand. ‘Anything you need. Even if it's in the middle of the night. _Just_ …remember me before doing anything rash.’ 

Sirius nodded, clutching the card in his hand tightly. 

‘Will you be okay by yourself?’ Remus asked, climbing down the stairs backwards, not breaking eye contact with Sirius.

Sirius shrugged. Honestly, he didn't know. Perhaps if he fell asleep, he'd wake up the next day and realise it had all just been a dream. Or a nightmare. 

Remus hesitated, then with a soft nod of acknowledgment, disapparated. ‘Goodbye, Sirius Black.’

* * *

The scent reminded him of home. Not Grimmauld Place; that had never been home. 

It reminded him of the Potter Manor. Of Dorea Potter's welcoming smile every time he would escape Mother for a few hours of peace and quiet. It reminded him of her quiet acceptance when he finally admitted both to himself and her about how bad things had gotten with his parents. It reminded him of Christmas mornings and summers when James would go off to spend yet more time with Lily Evans, and it would be just Dorea keeping Sirius company. She would always drink Earl Grey, an accompanying mug of hot chocolate for him. There used to be marshmallows in them at first, but once he’d had gotten older, she'd smile sneakily and pour in a few splashes of Firewhisky. She always listened to all of Sirius’s worries, his childish complaints, and his silly woes about love, life and all things in between.

It reminded him of a place where he was safe and protected.

Yet, it was simply a stranger’s coat tucked underneath his shoulders as he slept, the early morning sun slowly threatening to shatter the peace he felt. There was a faint tapping at the window that Sirius chose to ignore, keeping his back turned to it as he lazily rolled around in bed. 

‘You need to stop this, Sirius,’ he groaned to himself, rubbing his tired eyes. He pulled the coat closer, noticing for the first time, the business card Remus had left him with last night. It was barely hanging off the side pocket where Sirius had hastily shoved it inside. He hadn’t noticed the logo then in the dark, but with the sun shining through his windows, the red crescent was unmistakable. ‘Of course,’ he snorted in disdain, wondering if everything in his life was just one big cosmic joke. ‘Of course you work for Lily's clinic.’

The tapping on his windows got louder and when Sirius looked back, he let out another groan.

‘Go away, Caesar!’ Sirius shooed the Potter’s massive brown owl with a lazy flick of his wrist, burying his face in his pillow. ‘Shouldn't you be retired by now? Go nap in your cage like a normal old owl!’ When Caesar continued to ignore him and tap incessantly on the window, Sirius screamed in frustration. ‘Fine!’ he cried, throwing away his blanket and the coat angrily as he climbed out of bed.

Caesar hooted as he was let in, making sure to nip at his fingers in a chastising manner before settling on a chair patiently. He extended his leg for Sirius, greedily accepting the treats offered to him in exchange for the letter. 

_Sirius,_

_You left without saying goodbye. You better have a good explanation, mate._

_James_

‘Fuck you, James,’ Sirius whispered as he read the short note yet again, getting that old familiar feeling of misery bubbling up once again. ‘Go home, Caesar. I don't have a reply.’ He crumpled the letter and let it fall to the floor. ‘Tell him I don't want to speak to him right now, or ever. That I want to live the rest of my life without feeling like I can't breathe. Tell him that I'm ignoring him until this pain goes away and I can be Sirius Fucking Black again, and not this pathetic mess of a wizard who regrets not jumping off that damn bridge last night.’

Caesar hooted softly and nuzzled his head against Sirius's. 

‘Tell him also that we're no longer friends. I'm done.’ He ran a hand through his hair, tugging at it painfully. Just like last night, his hands were starting to shake again and he felt out of control of his emotions. He flexed them open and close, but it only made the tremors worse. ‘I'm honestly just _done_.’ 

Caesar left.

Sirius laughed, wondering why he suddenly felt so disappointed. Had he expected for Caesar to keep him company as he let all his frustration out? Did he expect words of encouragement and sympathy from an owl? He laughed again, this time harder, and found that he couldn’t stop. It poured out of him and the more he thought about how mad it must seem, the harder he laughed. It wasn’t until he felt the familiar pull of magic in his gut that he found his laughter dying. His face went pale as he realised that he was no longer standing in his bedroom, but in the middle of a crowded waiting room. His eyes scanned his surroundings, taking in the myriad of patients, each odder than the next - a collection of vampires, house elves, giants, and even a centaur who looked to be in a lot of discomfort. 

Sirius was in Lily Evan’s clinic. 

‘Has someone been to help you, sweetheart?’

Sirius blinked, looking at the elderly woman to his right waiting for his reply. She was either a half giant or someone who had suffered a very unfortunate growth potion. ‘I-' He stared at her, for some reason unable to form a coherent sentence or gather his thoughts enough to figure out what he was doing here. ‘I don't have an appointment,’ was all he managed to say. 

It was happening again. 

After Dorea had promised him that he was fine. All that work he’d put in - the exercises and the potions - it was supposed to have worked. 

Yet, it was happening again. 

‘That's alright, dear. Why don't you sit down and I’ll help you get sorted. Would you like a drink of water? You look terribly pale.’

‘I'm not a patient. I’m here to see Remus,’ Sirius finally said, though he did not refuse that glass of water. ‘I have his coat. I just wanted to return it.’ At least that's what he thought he was here for. Sirius's magic hadn’t glitched in years. 

It was supposed to never glitch again for the rest of his life. 

‘I could pass that on for you. Where is it?’

Sirius didn't have it. ‘At home.’ He was very aware of how this came across; of how mad he seemed, standing here in last night’s crumpled dress robes. He felt his throat close suddenly, it felt as if everyone was staring at him. They were staring and judging his trembling hands and the redness spreading across his face and body as breathing became more and more difficult. It was going to happen again, he knew it. He was going to lose control again and he would have to be taken away. 

‘Sirius?’ Remus’s familiar voice rang through Sirius’s turbulent thoughts. ‘What are you doing here?’ A hand rested on his shoulder and Sirius could see it clearly, just as he could see Remus’s concerned expression, but he felt as though it was all disjointed. As if it was not quite happening. ‘Doris, I can take it from here. Thank you.’ Remus’s eyes shifted to a light brown, looking almost translucent. ‘Sirius, I need you to breathe,’ he said softly, and the hands that held Sirius’s were calloused and rough. 

Sirius shook his head, as he realised he couldn’t. His chest felt tight even as his heart beat at a rapid pace. ‘It’s happening again,’ he choked out, feeling overwhelmed and nauseous. The familiar feeling of being restrained, of being forced down invaded his body; despite the knowledge that he was free now. No one was holding him down here; yet he felt trapped. 

‘Breathe,’ Remus insisted, his voice calm. ‘Breathe. Follow me and just focus on getting your breath back. You don't need to think about anything else. Whatever it is that you're worried about, it will go away, I promise.’ When Sirius shook his head hopelessly, Remus squeezed his fingers tightly. ‘ _Trust me_. There's nothing else around here, okay. No one except you and me. Take a deep breath in. I've got you. Now, breath out. I'm right here.’

In and out. It was all Remus kept saying, only stopping to let him know that he was right here. That all Sirius had to do was trust him and Sirius did. Just like last night, Sirius felt inexplicably drawn to the kindness in Remus’s eyes and the warmth of his touch. He let Remus guide him out of the fog that clouded his mind, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that somehow, this man he barely knew, would help him. _Why,_ a part of him asked, _why Remus?_

When he finally felt like he could speak, he opened his eyes only to find, to his dismay, that he had apparated without his knowledge again. They were standing in the middle of his flat amidst piles of empty takeaway boxes that Sirius really should have disposed of months ago. His clothes were strewn everywhere and a pair of his underwear was hanging from the corner of the television. Messes like this were very normal for Sirius who lived alone and had always had house elves cleaning up after him. However, he really did not feel like exposing more of his disastrous side to Remus, who at this point probably thought he was a walking train wreck.

‘I’m sorry,’ Sirius apologised softly, feeling a distinct sense of shame. ‘I don’t know why I brought you here.’

Remus seemed unbothered. His smile was genuine and warm as he let go of Sirius’s hands. ‘We always go home when we want to feel safe,’ he said, understandingly. ‘Why don’t you go wash up, Sirius. A bath might help clear your mind a little bit. I’d like to run some diagnostics on you, just to be safe, once you’re back.’ He looked around the flat in amusement. ‘In the meantime, I’ll hunt for a place to sit.’ 

Sirius blushed, but was grateful that Remus had offered to stay without him having to ask. He was even more grateful when he walked out of the shower and found his home to be spotless. For a few seconds, Sirius was sure he had apparated himself out again. The ever present smell in his flat was gone, as were the empty boxes of food and cans. His clothes were folded and put away to one side and the questionable stains that decorated his furniture had been cleaned. Sirius hadn’t even known that the colour of his carpet was lavender. 

He found Remus in the kitchen, humming. 

‘You kind of barged in during lunch time and your fridge seems to serve more of an aesthetic purpose than function.’ Remus explained as Sirius sat down at the kitchen counter. ‘Luckily, I always have my lunch in my pocket so that I can enlarge it whenever I need to eat at the clinic.’ He put down a plate in front of Sirius. 

Sirius's stomach lurched at the very sight of food. He hadn't eaten since yesterday morning. More so, he hadn't had a proper home cooked meal since Dorea had passed away and stopped sending him regular meals. One bite in and suddenly, Sirius was shovelling food into his mouth ravenously. It was very, very good. So good, in fact, that Sirius barely noticed Remus running his wand in front of him until he started asking questions. 

‘Your magic,’ Remus started, his face suddenly serious, ‘The seizure you just had – you said it's happened before?’ He waited patiently for Sirius to swallow. ‘Was it similar to this episode?’

Sirius kept his focus on his plate. ‘Worse. I was sixteen then and some of the episodes were bad enough to hurt the people around me. But I haven't-’ he scraped his spoon across his plate, pausing to take a deep breath, ‘I haven’t relapsed since then.’ 

Remus hummed thoughtfully. ‘Sirius, I'm not saying this because I don't want to help you, but I'm not the person you need right now. I'm going to recommend you to a Healer-'

‘No!’ Sirius exclaimed angrily, banging his fists on the counter. His cutlery clattered to the floor as he stood up, food forgotten. ‘No. I will not go to a Healer. I WILL NOT!’ 

‘Sirius-'

‘I'm not crazy, Remus!’ Sirius cried out, remembering the restraints on his wrists and ankles; the heavy weight on his chest and the pressure in his gut trying to subdue his magic. ‘I don't need to go to an institution! I don't need these so-called Healers. I'm fine! I told you, I haven’t relapsed in years and I’ve learned to control it!’ He had thought Remus was different; that the other man had somehow understood him just as Dorea had years ago. He had thought he could place his trust in Remus. 

Remus frowned. ‘What institution?’ When Sirius answered him with angry silence, he sighed heavily. ‘Sirius, I am only going to recommend you to someone who you can talk to. A specialised Healer who can help you work through things in your life. I ran a diagnostic on you. Your magic glitches because of stress. There's nothing physically wrong with you.’ He rested a hand against Sirius’s, the colour of his eyes an intense amber. ‘Even if there was, I would never send you to an institution. My father suffered from something similar and he never got the care he needed either.’ His voice cracked at the mention of his father. 

Sirius bit his lip and nodded, feeling reassured enough to sit back down. ‘This Healer,’ Sirius spoke softly, ‘are they the ones who helped you with-' he didn't want to say it out loud, but his grey eyes wandered to Remus's exposed wrists.

Remus hesitated, then nodded. ‘Yes. She comes highly recommended, I promise. I would never put you in a position that made you uncomfortable or caused you pain.’ He took their empty plates to the sink and for a while, there was a comfortable silence between them as he washed up. 

‘I was thirteen,’ Remus said softly, his back still turned to Sirius. ‘My mother had just been murdered.’ The air hung heavy with that confession for a while, as Sirius struggled for something to say. When Remus spoke again, his voice was strained. ‘She was a muggle school teacher. She barely had any contact with the wizarding world or even very much knowledge of it. Yet, these Purebloods came into the school she worked in with the intention to _purify_ this world. She was one of twenty that died that day; tortured by them.’ 

‘I'm sorry,’ Sirius apologised, feeling somehow guilty because he was a Pureblood himself. 

‘She was my world.’ Remus finally turned to face Sirius, holding his body taut. His fingers were gripping the countertop behind him tightly. ‘My father at the time was distant and not home for long periods of the day. It was always the two of us, my mother and I. After her death, I felt all alone and I couldn't take it.’ He turned his wrists towards Sirius, displaying the aged scars that puckered his skin. ‘My father found me and that day, I experienced two things for the first time.’ He dropped his hands and sighed softly. ‘I saw magic for the first time, as dad tried to heal me. And I saw him cry for the very first time as he struggled to keep me alive.’ 

Remus sat back down beside Sirius on the counter, their shoulders touching. Remus was looking straight ahead, while Sirius admired his profile. He wondered how a man, who at first glance, looked so ordinary could hold so much strength in the way he held his shoulders back and his quivering jaw straight. 

‘Sometimes, Sirius, in our own selfishness we don't realise that the people around us are struggling as much as we are. My dad wasn’t trying to be a neglectful father, but he was fighting his own battles and grief at the time. Just because he didn't love me the way I wanted him to didn't mean that he didn't love me at all.’ He placed a hand over Sirius’s looking at him meaningfully. ‘Do you understand what I'm trying to say?’ 

Sirius did. Of course he did. But admitting to it was a lot harder, so he changed the subject. ‘Why had you never seen magic before this?’

Remus looked almost disappointed by Sirius’s reaction, as he sighed deeply. ‘At the time, I thought it was because my mother hated it. We lived like muggles - I went to a muggle school, my father had a muggle job, and magic was never permitted in the house with the exception of full moons.’ He looked up to gauge Sirius’s reaction at his almost admission to being a werewolf and smiled when Sirius didn't seem too bothered. ‘Even then, I had seen nothing beyond my transformation and a few healing potions.’

Sirius couldn't imagine what it must have been like to experience magic for the very first time. He had grown up with it and was desensitized to it by the time he was old enough to understand it. ‘So, when did you learn?’ he asked, curious. There had been muggle borns in school of course, but unlike them, Remus had been aware of magic the entire time. He had simply never understood the breadth of it. 

‘After the incident, I wasn't the only one who had suddenly come back to life. My dad _changed_.’ Remus smiled to himself as if reliving fond memories in his head. 'Suddenly, he was so full of energy and joy. He poured all of his enthusiasm into me. Magic lessons in the morning, fishing trips, football in the yard, home cooked meals – we did everything together. He was suddenly everything my mother had been and everything I had wanted in a father.’

‘It was the magic.’ Sirius said knowingly. He knew from experience that you could not force down a wizard's magic. It was entwined into a wizard’s very being, like the blood that pumped steadily from the heart. 

‘It was the magic,’ Remus confirmed. ‘And my mum knew. She didn't hate magic. She was simply in love with my father. He had a condition,’ He fidgeted with his hands, brushing imaginary dust from the top of the marble counter. ‘His body was rejecting its own magic. Like how a wizard's wand is incompatible with another wizard's magic and backfires. His body was fighting against it, trying to break the source down. And in the process, killing him…’

‘Oh. I’m sorry.’ Sirius seemed to be saying that a lot today, but he was never good at expressing emotions, much less empathy at another person’s loss. 

Remus shook his head, smiling sadly. ‘He was happy. Those five years were the happiest I'd ever seen him. They were the happiest _I_ had ever been.’ He ran a hand through his curls. ‘His death was not the most difficult part for me. It was realising that I couldn't take him to a hospital when he was at his sickest, and I couldn't give him a proper funeral afterwards. I didn't have the money to pay for any of it and no one wanted to treat the father of a werewolf. I was buying medication from Knockturn Alley just to ease his pain towards the end of his life.’ Remus sniffed, blinking rapidly as if staving off tears. ‘This was a man who had given up everything for me. He knew he was dying. He could have used his magic to travel, find love again, enjoy life; but he chose _me_ . He found his happiness in _me_ , and I had failed him as a son. How do you live with that?’

Sirius's eyes widened in realisation. ‘The bridge,’ he said knowingly, remembering what the other man had said last night about the fall. He had later concluded that Remus had been talking about an experience with a patient at the clinic, not about himself. A sense of deep sadness settled in his gut as he understood Remus’s actions and attitude towards him. He knew intimately what Sirius was going through; and yet, Remus had had no one to save him from that bridge and no one to rely on afterwards. Somehow, this knowledge upset Sirius more than anything else they’d discussed. 

‘Can I use your bathroom?’ Remus asked, getting up. His amber eyes were now a cloudy brown, rimmed bright red. 

Sirius nodded. ‘Remus!’ he called as the other man walked towards the loo. There were a million things he wanted to say. _Thank you for sharing something that was clearly difficult. Thank you for being here with me. I'm sorry for your loss; you were clearly very loved._ Instead, like always he fumbled with his feelings and finished lamely, ‘You’ll find that the toilet will need a good scrub before being usable.’ He felt less stupid when Remus let out a genuine laugh, his expression fond. Feeling his courage rise, Sirius quickly asked, ‘Would you like to stay for dinner? I could pop downstairs for some groceries and you could cook again?’

Remus seemed surprised by the invitation, but not displeased. ‘I’ll need to let the clinic know,’ he replied in affirmative before leaving for the washroom. 

Sirius couldn’t remember the last time he had a friend over. He and James always got together for the occasional drink in the pub, but as Sirius’s feelings for James got stronger over the years, he started to distance himself more and more. It wasn’t James’s fault by any means; Sirius was never lacking in invitations from both Lily and the Potters, but the incessant chatter about the wedding had become close to unbearable the last few months. It felt good to have someone keeping him company and sharing a meal with him. To have someone laugh at Sirius’s silly and slightly ignorant questions about the muggle world as they watched old movies on television. It felt fantastic when in a moment of immaturity, Remus responded to the letter from James that Sirius had discarded with: 

_Met someone incredibly hot last night and took him home._

_I’d say that’s a pretty good reason, mate._

_Sirius._

They giggled as Remus sent it off with Sirius’s owl, Hermes, and then giggled some more when Remus said the letter was obviously wishful thinking on his part. The butterbeer might have been a factor, but Sirius was simply happy to have someone to take his mind off everything that had been happening. He was happy to have a reason to laugh again. So much so that when it was time for Remus to leave, he felt anxiety grip him yet again. Fear of his magic going haywire, of finding himself in an unknown place, of being taken away, of no one helping him - all of it rushed through him like a tidal wave threatening to drown him. For some reason he felt that as long as Remus was here, as long as he stayed, no harm could come to him. 

“It’s pretty late,’ Sirius tried an excuse, ‘Are you sure you can go home by yourself?’ It was a stupid question; Remus was obviously apparating home. But it got the other man to look up at him from tying his shoes. ‘I could set up the sofa for you and we can go to work together tomorrow morning?’ 

Remus looked at him thoughtfully, his gaze scanning Sirius as if trying to decipher a hidden message. ‘If it isn’t much trouble,’ he agreed, much to Sirius’s relief. ‘Your flat is closer to work than my place.’ He took off his shoes and walked back in. 

Sirius' sofa was lumpy and even after expanding it, Remus’s long legs were hanging off the ends; but no complaints were made. The two of them quietly tucked the sheets underneath the cushions and found Remus the cleanest spare pillow and blanket Sirius had in his linen cupboard. After Sirius moved to his own room, Remus stripped down to his undershirt and boxers, revealing a body that was so thin and lanky that it looked like it had been pulled by a taffy machine. Not that Sirius was peeking. He had simply been looking in to make sure Remus was comfortable. And if his heart beat a little faster and his palms felt a little bit moist, it was probably because he had been moving around too much trying to get their sleeping arrangements sorted. 

Sirius was not a creep by any means. He did not make it a point to stare at strange men while they slept. In fact, he had never so much as glanced at another man in years.

Sirius was not a pervert. He typically did not move closer to unsuspecting men just to smell their hair. Nor did he usually contemplate widening the sofa a little bit more so that he could perhaps nestle in beside said unsuspecting man. He did not make unsolicited moves like that and he wasn’t about to start. But he also had to concede when he found himself unable to move away, that not everyone smelled like Remus - a comforting concoction of Earl Grey and chocolate. And as he thought about how his hands had shook this morning and how Remus’s presence had calmed him, he knew that just for tonight, he needed the other man more than he cared to admit. 

_Just for tonight_ , he told himself, as he lay another spare pair of sheets and blankets on the floor beside the sofa Remus slept in. He lay close enough to both keep a respectful distance but still be able to fall asleep to Remus’s unique scent and the sound of his gentle snoring. 

_Home,_ he realised just before he drifted off to sleep. For some reason, at that very moment, Remus felt like home. 

* * *

The rest of the week, Sirius and Remus did not meet. Mostly because Remus had picked up longer shifts leading up to the full moon. In part because Sirius was still feeling a little embarrassed at being found sleeping on the floor beside Remus when the man had stayed over. Sirius was accustomed to people seeing his fun side – the prankster, the loyal best friend, the man who loved to dance at parties and drink everyone under the table. He was used to everyone seeing the mask of strength he put up even at his most vulnerable; hot headed at times but mostly unfazed and unbothered by the rest of the world. Yet, Remus had seen none of that. He had seen none of Sirius’s sauve and bravado - all the things that made him appealing to others; and yet he had stayed. 

In fact, they had continued their friendship over short letters that felt more like funny notes exchanged between mates during a dull class. Sirius’s owl Hermes had never had so much exercise in a day and looked at him exasperatedly as Sirius chuckled and then attached yet another note to his leg. Remus had also been generous enough to send home-cooked food packages every evening through Hermes. Sirius found his legendary appetite returning after what felt like years, as he devoured everything sent to him like a starving man. 

As the weekend drew near and another day passed that they did not meet, Sirius decided to take Remus’s favourite chocolate cake to the clinic as a thank you. He knew it was a couple of days after the full moon and he thought the cake might help with the recovery. Sirius didn’t know too much about the recovery process or how full moons affected werewolves physically in the long term; these topics were not something that was covered in Auror training or any kind of wizarding education. But he knew from hearsay that the entire ordeal was unpleasant, especially on werewolves who maintained distancing from humans during the transformation. 

Remus had mentioned his love for all things sweet many times in his letters and Sirius was sure this was the route to take. He had planned it quite well in his head. Remus had forgotten his coat yet again from his stay last week and Sirius would use that as an excuse for his visit to the clinic after work. He would casually mention that he had brought cake for himself but would like for Remus to share it with him, along with some tea from a nearby cafe, together at the park. Sirius would be charming and all other good things that impressed people enough to want to be his friend; and Remus would finally see more than the train wreck he’d been the past week. 

‘Sirius, what brings you here?’

Sirius had not accounted for Lily being there. In fact, he hadn’t thought about James or Lily since the letter and the incident with his magic malfunctioning. Suddenly, just looking at her was enough to bring back all his feelings of turmoil and grief back to the surface. It was as if, for a week, he had been living in a bubble of fantasies and her presence had popped everything back into reality. 

‘I didn't realise you were back from your honeymoon?’ Sirius asked shakily. He had thought he would have more time until he would have to talk or meet James again. He didn't know why the idea filled him with so much dread. It wasn't as if he hadn't spent the last four years with James constantly proclaiming his love for Lily. Yet, he felt changed somehow after the incident; hesitant and vulnerable. He didn't know what he would say to James, couldn't remember what they used to converse about or do when they were together. Everything felt too awkward and difficult at the moment.

‘We had to cut our trip short because of the severe storm warnings. Figured we could wait it out and be miserable or just spend the weekend here where the weather is lovely.’ Her bright green eyes traveled to the paper bag in Sirius’s hand. ‘Don't suppose that cake is for me?’

Right. Sirius had come here for a reason. ‘Ah, no, I was looking for Remus?’ He wondered if James had thought about him at all the last few days; if he’d worried about him or wondered why he hadn’t gotten in touch. 

‘Oh, Remus isn’t working today,’ Lily replied with a smile. ‘He usually doesn't after a full moon; poor thing is probably knackered. I didn't realise you two knew each other?’ She tilted her head curiously. 

‘We met at the wedding. I was drunk so he offered to apparate me home,’ Sirius revealed awkwardly. Technically, it wasn't a lie; it was just missing crucial details. ‘He-uh- left a few things at my place and I was just trying to return them today.’

Lily's eyes widened and for a second, she blinked rapidly before her face split into a wide grin. ‘Right, _of course_! I should have known with Remus, that cheeky bugger!' She chuckled as if what she’d said made perfect sense. ‘He’s quite the charmer when he wants to be, isn't he?’ Again, she winked and laughed as if they were sharing an internal joke. ‘Tell you what, why don't you pay him a visit? He really does feel poorly after a transformation and I know for a fact that he would appreciate the cake.’ She pulled out a pen from her breast pocket and then pulled Sirius' hand towards her to scribble down an address. ‘This is his floo. Just once you get through, don't make any sudden movements, alright? Walt for Remus to let you in.

Sirius stared at his hand as she let go. ‘What happens if I make sudden movements?’ he asked warily. 

Lily’s answering look was stern. ‘ _Don't_.’

She didn't elaborate any further, claiming she was running late for an appointment and had to leave urgently. Sirius, too, didn't feel the need to question it as he was simply glad that he would be able to see Remus again. He didn't know why he felt relief at the thought of Remus’s presence or why when he thought about his unrequited feelings for James, Remus’s kind words and non judgemental presence always came to mind. Somehow, the other man made him feel less mad, less out of control, and more free than he had in a long time. Somehow, Remus made him feel _happy._

It was stupid. 

Not his happiness. 

The not asking why he couldn’t move in a simple Floo trip. That was very, very stupid. 

Because the minute he went through the Floo, he was stuck. 

No, that wasn't quite the right way of putting it.

The minute he went through the Floo, Sirius found out he was in hell. He was encased within the brick walls, and the space seemed to be only getting more compact and suffocating as each wall moved closer and pressed into him from all sides. He could see the flames from both his and Remus’s fireplaces and while they weren’t burning him, the space was definitely getting progressively warmer. In fact, every time he so much as twitched in discomfort, it felt as though he could feel the lick of the flames against his skin. 

A drop of sweat rolled down his back and pooled at the waist of his trousers. 

‘Sirius?’

Remus’s voice was like music to his ears. ‘I brought cake!’ Sirius screamed the first thing that came to mind in his panic. Did he think a slice of cake was the only thing that would save him? 

‘Oh dear,’ Remus fussed and within seconds, Sirius found himself toppling to the ground. ‘Sorry,’ he apologised with a smile, putting his hand out and instead of helping Sirius up, reaching for the bag of cake on the floor. He was cradling it in the crook of his elbow as he watched Sirius dust himself off with a bemused expression. ‘I would have disabled the fireplace had I known you were coming. You gave me quite the fright there.’

‘I gave you a fright?’ Sirius laughed sarcastically. ‘Your fireplace just tried to kill me!’

‘It wouldn't have done that,’ Remus scoffed as if what Sirius was suggesting was ridiculous. ‘A few broken bones perhaps. I've toned it down considerably since dad first installed it. You know there’s a version of this exact charm in Gringotts? Dad did theirs too, along with a couple others on their high profile vaults. He was their best securities contractor.’ 

Remus sounded so proud of his father that Sirius didn't dare say the man was half mad if he put up the same charms as England's largest bank in his quaint little cottage. What would people steal – his lace curtains? Remus’s house really did look like something out of a story book; the living room was a small cozy space with floral sofas and a warm wood coffee and end tables. There were lace curtains hanging from the windows and lots of plants and flowers growing wherever sunlight reached. There were pictures on the wall and small trinkets on top of the fireplace that obviously held more sentimental value than monetary. The Persian carpet underneath his feet was faded, but plush and clean.

Remus was rummaging through the bag for a fork as he continued to speak, unaware of Sirius’s inquisitive gaze. ‘Don't feel too terrible. Lily nearly drowned at the perimeter of the house the first time she came.’ Sirius noted through the windows that there was no lake outside the house. ‘And I think another time she tried to apparate in and wound up in a dumpster of a pub in Ireland. Dad always did have a sense of humour.’ Sirius wasn’t sure if Remus’s wide grin was due to the fact that his father was clearly insane or because he had taken the first bite of cake after much struggle with the packaging. Remus also did not offer to share. 

‘So Lily’s been here a couple of times?’ Sirius asked, unsure as to why he suddenly felt very upset even asking about Lily. He sat down beside Remus, letting their knees knock together briefly before moving away.

Remus swallowed, another forkful of cake ready to be devoured as he replied, ‘Oh, she's practically lived here for a while. I had to modify all the protection charms to recognise her magical signature so that she wouldn’t risk dying every time she came in.’ 

‘So you,’ Sirius started, feeling disappointment rising inside him. ‘So when you said you were miserable at the wedding,’ He sighed heavily. Of course it would be her. It was _always_ her. ‘You were talking about Lily?'

Remus paused his cake inhalation to frown up at Sirius. ‘Lily?’

Sirius shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant. ‘Are you in love with her?’ 

Remus burst out laughing. ‘Merlin, no. She's wiped my arse far too many times for any attraction to be left between us. At this point she's more like my older sister or perhaps mother if you count all the nagging she does.’

‘Oh.’ Sirius’s wasn’t sure if the arse wiping was figurative or literal. Nor was he sure if he was fully comfortable with Remus and Lily’s relationship after the revelation of said arse wiping. 

It seemed Remus had read his mind, because he elaborated between his final bites of cakes. ‘She was the one who treated me, after I-' He waved his fork around, looking awkward. ‘She used to work at the hospital nearby.’

 _Right._ James had mentioned this after they’d graduated. Lily had only worked at the hospital for five months before opening up the clinic. ‘She lost her job there.’

‘Yes,’ Remus confirmed, not quite meeting Sirius’s eyes. ‘She lost her job because she chose to treat me when not a single person wanted to come near me at that hospital. The minute they found out I was a werewolf, I was like the plague.’ He fidgeted with the long sleeve of his t-shirt revealing the old scars on his wrist momentarily before they were hidden away again. ‘Honestly, at the time, I thought I was going to die there on a hospital stretcher and I was glad that for once being a werewolf was paying off. I didn’t want to be healed. And then she came in, _screaming_ about the injustice of it.’ He smiled fondly. ‘She was such a force. No one could challenge her. Everybody warned her, including the head of emergency but she locked the both of us in an operating room and she healed me. She was crying the entire time, but her hands were as steady as a rock. She’s a brilliant Healer.’

Sirius had never hated Lily. He had disliked her, but that had little to do with her character and more to do with his feelings for James. He had always thought she was a good person and she had always been kind to him, even when she thought he was arrogant. Now, he saw her with a new found respect and found that when he thought about her, he disliked her just a little bit less. 

‘I wasn't allowed to stay in the hospital, so she took me back home. The entire month it took me to heal, she was adamant that she lived here.’ Remus shook his head in exasperation as he remembered the incident. ‘No matter how much I screamed at her or told her to just let me be, she never budged. I owe her my life. Maybe more. She had every reason to hate me. I'd cost her her job, maybe even her Healers license. But a month later, she told me she'd sued the hospital and won.’ He laughed. ‘I was in disbelief. Apparently, the Potter Foundation was helping her build a new clinic for disadvantaged people like me, people who were refused treatment at traditional hospitals. They paid for me to become a Healer there and for my father’s funeral.’

‘It was Dorea's last project - the clinic,’ Sirius said softly and he wasn’t sure why his chest felt tight just from the thought of her. He remembered her pouring over papers and getting frustrated over approvals and bureaucracy. She had worked tirelessly on the opening of the clinic. ‘James’s mother.’ 

‘We met. She came to the funeral.’ Remus placed a hand on top of Sirius’s and though it had chocolate stains, it was the most comforting thing Sirius had ever felt. He didn’t protest when Sirius turned his palm to entwine their fingers together, thumb brushing the inside of Sirius’s wrist instead. ‘This clinic isn’t just a job or an institution for most of us, Sirius. It’s an acknowledgement that our lives mean something; that we aren’t burdens or threats to society. She changed our lives.’ 

_How_ did Remus always know the right thing to say to him? _How_ was it possible that so few words from him could make Sirius’s heart swell with pride. ‘She changed mine, too.’ They exchanged smiles and Sirius felt a terrible loss when Remus took away his hand. Not wanting to seem awkward about it, he shoved both hands in his pockets trying to appear nonchalant. ‘So why were you miserable at the wedding?’

Remus laughed, leaning back on the sofa and folding both legs underneath him. ‘I'm afraid I'm somewhat of a wedding grinch. They tend to remind me of something I can't have.’

Sirius snorted. ‘A big, puffy dress?’

‘Love.’

That one word hit Sirius like a pile of bricks. _James._

Something in his face must have been apparent because Remus gave his shoulder an reassuring squeeze before standing up. ‘You’re not going to end up like me, Sirius. You shouldn’t worry so much. Maybe not now, but you’ll find love in someone else and everything you’re feeling right now will be a distant memory of the past.’ He smiled warmly. ‘Would you like some tea? I owe you some after that brilliant cake.’ 

‘Why don't you believe the same for yourself?’ Sirius asked, as Remus started to walk towards the kitchen. 

Remus shrugged, his smile still in place. ‘Nobody wants to love a werewolf, Sirius.’

‘They don't deserve you,’ Sirius insisted, getting up to follow Remus. 

Remus hummed as he pulled down two tea cups from the cabinet. ‘Who doesn't?’ He asked distractedly. 

‘Whomever made you think that.’ 

Remus turned to look at him, mirth shining in his eyes. ‘You sound like dad.’ He filled up the kettle and set it on the stove. ‘Look, it isn’t so bad and I’m certainly not complaining. I know my place. No one might want to fall in love with a werewolf, but there are plenty of people willing to fuck one.’ 

Sirius raised an eyebrow, a grin playing on his face. ‘Did you think I would be one of those people when you saw me at the wedding?’ 

Remus’s face suddenly turned serious. ‘No.’ He turned away, trying to keep his hands busy with tea bags and sugar spoons, before giving up with a heavy sigh. ‘The first time I saw you, Sirius, it felt like we’d already met. Not here; not now. But perhaps, in another time, in another universe, we meant something to each other. Maybe as friends, maybe more, but you felt _important.’_ He shrugged, still not meeting Sirius’s eyes fully. ‘When you left, I felt this pull, like I _had_ to follow you; like you had to mean something to me in this world, too.’

Sirius didn’t know what to say. 

Lily had been right. 

Remus could be terribly charming when he wanted to be. 

And damn, if Sirius wasn't getting at least a little bit charmed.

* * *

_Sirius,_

_We need to talk._

_Usual pub._

_James_

‘Thanks for coming.’

Remus nodded in acknowledgment, giving Sirius a reassuring smile as he approached the entrance of the pub. Sirius had been waiting outside for a good fifteen minutes for the other man, hesitant to go in by himself and face James Potter alone. He had received James’s letter only this afternoon while still at work and in a moment of whim, had asked Remus to accompany him. He had been ready to make an excuse to not go, pen formulating weak replies to James, when Remus had agreed to come. Sirius had hugged the hospital owl that had delivered the letter and gotten an angry scratch on his neck in response. 

It was going to be the first time Sirius would see James after the wedding. He had tried to avoid this very moment for a few weeks now, but this meeting was inevitable. James was his best friend and nothing would change that. He would have to eventually move on and pretend nothing had changed between them; that he hadn’t broken that night of the wedding; that James didn’t mean the world to him. Except Sirius still hadn’t gotten a full handle on his emotions and he felt raw and unprotected, especially in the face of James’s ominous tone in the letter. He could already tell that things were not going to go well. 

‘Remus?’ James exclaimed loudly when he saw them enter. ‘Sirius said he'd be bringing a friend but I had no idea it would be you!’ He smiled widely, embracing the both of them tightly before letting go and sitting back down. ‘This is why Lily was being so secretive.’ He laughed and shook his head at some internal joke, before pushing a couple of butterbeers towards them. ‘Honestly, she could have just said.’ 

Sirius frowned. ‘I didn’t realise the two of you knew each other?’ 

‘I helped with the security at the wedding,’ Remus replied quietly. He looked guilty though Sirius wasn’t quite sure why. 

‘Modest.’ James snorted. ‘He means he did the security at the wedding entirely. I recommended it after visiting that death cottage of his a few times to pick up Lily.’ He shuddered. ‘We meet sometimes at the clinic if I ever drop by.’ He patted Remus on the back, as if they had been friends for ages. ‘Lily has a soft spot for this one; he turns on his Lupin charm every time he sees her, I suspect. But you already know about that, don’t you, Sirius?’ James asked pointedly, though Sirius wasn’t sure exactly what kind of point he was trying to make in the first place. 

However, it had been a good decision on Sirius’s part to bring Remus along. The conversation between them was easy and natural, with Remus buffering between them effortlessly. It was surprising how well it flowed, as if nothing had changed. It felt like it always did, an easy friendship born from years together. They laughed and joked and talked about their days in school, as they refilled on butterbeers. Sirius had even begun to wonder why he had been so anxious about the whole ordeal in the first place. Until Remus left to get them more drinks and everything went to hell.

‘So, are you going to acknowledge this or not?’ James rounded on him as soon as Remus was out of earshot. He had an expectant look on his face, his arms crossed over his chest and his eyebrows furrowed as if bordering on anger. 

Sirius frowned. ‘Acknowledge what?’ 

James scoffed. ‘You are joking. Sirius, I have made every effort tonight to let you know that this is okay and you still can't be bothered to be honest with me?’ He threw up his hands in the air in frustration, voice rising and falling in pitch as he glared at Sirius. ‘What did you think I was going to say or do, that you didn't feel comfortable to come out to me sooner? Instead I get a cryptic note about you having a bloke over and then have to find out from Lily that you're gay?’ 

‘If you needed Lily to figure it out for you, that's a testament to you as a friend, not me.’

James spluttered wordlessly for a minute, before clenching his teeth. ‘You know what, I don't know why I expected differently of you on this matter. This is exactly what you do for everything. This is sixth year all over again.'

Sirius froze. ‘What's that supposed to mean?’

‘Oh don't act stupid, Sirius!’ James spat. ‘You were _gone_ for the first two weeks of school. No one had heard from you in months! I wrote to you every single day and you couldn't send me one fucking reply to let me know you were okay? And then you just show up and pretend like you were on some kind of holiday and lost track of time.’ He breathed heavily, eyes ablaze. ‘I waited patiently and I gave you time, but you never bothered to give me an explanation. _Why_?’

 _Why?_ Because Sirius had wanted to pretend it had never happened. He had wanted to forget. He hadn’t wanted to seem weak and stupid in front of the one person in the world he admired and considered his friend. 

‘You’re doing it again, Sirius!’ James banged the table angrily. ‘You never tell me fucking anything, as if I don't matter!’

‘What do you want to hear, James?’ Sirius said through gritted teeth. ‘That fifteen years of constant abuse finally got to a point that it broke me? That when they found out their eldest son was a disgusting faggot, they tore me down till I couldn’t control my magic like a fucking lunatic?’ His hands were starting to shake again, his breathing coming out in short, sharp and angry bursts. ‘That they sent me to a mad house where they strapped me down and _tortured_ me. Is that a good enough explanation for you?’ He gripped the table hard to keep his trembling fingers still, the heat behind his eyes and his ears getting unbearable. ‘Do you know why I never wrote back, James? Because I never got your fucking letters in that hell hole. I was _alone._ No one was coming for me.’

‘You could have told me! I would have done anything to help you!’ James yelled, looking both shocked and angry at Sirius’s revelation. ‘Any indication-’

‘Indication?’ Sirius laughed. ‘I was staying at your house every chance I got during the holidays and hiding bruises and burns with stuffy clothes in the summer. But you were never home long enough to notice because you were off spending the night with Lily again! You claim to be my best friend, but where were you when I needed you? What about the shite you owe me? If Dorea hadn’t come for me, would you have just left me to rot in that place, thinking I was on some grand holiday?’ 

‘ _Don’t,’_ James whispered, his eyes blazing. ‘ _Don’t you dare take my mother’s name.’_

Sirius's voice suddenly died down, the blood draining from his face. _What?_

‘Don’t talk about her like she meant something to you, like any of us did. She treated you like her own son; made sure you were always a part of the family, loved you so much she would cry every time you were involved in a dangerous Auror mission.’ James continued heatedly and even though he was on the opposite side on the table, it felt like his gaze and his presence was bearing down on Sirius like an impossible weight. ‘In the end, you couldn’t even shed a few fucking tears in her funeral or say a few words of gratitude for everything she did for you. She was _nothing_ to you.’

Everything shattered. The lamp hanging from the ceiling on top of their table, the empty bottles of butterbeer, the glass face of Sirius’s watch, James’s glasses - he watched it all as if time itself had slowed. A horrific realisation that it was going to hurt James and the people around them sunk in and he sat there powerless, feeling wild and uncontrolled. Everything was suspended mid air, a calm before the storm. Or so Sirius thought until he heard his name pierce through his terror and he realised Remus was standing in front of him with his wand out. 

Sirius stared at him wide eyed, then back at his shaking hands and his restless legs. He felt his lip quiver as he watched Remus put everything back together with a quick _Reparo._ He was sure James was saying something, but all he could see and hear were the people around them, staring, judging, frightened. He could have hurt someone. He could have hurt James, he realised, as his friend's glasses fused back together. 

It was happening again. 

So he stood up and left. 

‘I can't apparate home,’ Sirius whispered when he felt Remus come up behind him. He was sitting in the alleyway a few blocks away from the pub, shivering but not from the cold. He pulled his hands out from his pockets, showing Remus the sparks that flew out of the tips of his fingers like crackling electricity. 

Remus sat down beside him, folding his knees to mimic the way Sirius was sitting. He held a bottle of water to Sirius’s lips wordlessly, wiping the corner of Sirius’s mouth with the edge of his sleeve once he was done. Sirius had known Remus would come; he didn’t know how or why, but he had known. He was only disappointed that James hadn’t, but after everything that happened he doubted James would ever come again. Sirius had ensured that he had not only lost James's love, but also his friendship. The thought made him bury his face into his knees, hands hidden away again in his pockets. Their shoulders touched and the heat from Remus’s body was the only thing that kept Sirius grounded. He mimicked the way Remus breathed, soft and slow, in and out. 

‘She was the mother I never had, you know,’ Sirius whispered after a long time, breaking the silence that had enveloped them. ‘She was a Black as well, estranged from the family for marrying a Potter and defying all our puritan beliefs. She understood me better than anyone else.’ He felt Remus wrap an arm around his back, drawing him closer. ‘For a long time, I was convinced I deserved being punished. I was rebellious and a nuisance to everyone, and the abuse had begun to happen so often that I’d started to normalise it. That place… the _institution_ , I had only fought it for the first few weeks and then given up. Whatever it is that they wanted me to do, I complied. I let then restrain me, I told them I wasn't gay - anything to get my magic back and go home. You must think I'm such a coward.'

'I don't,' Remus said simply, his voice barely above a whisper.

'Only Dorea noticed I was missing. She got me out and she helped me through _everything._ I loved her. No matter what James says, I loved her.' Sirius wanted, _needed_ Remus to believe him. To know that he wasn't a heartless bastard, but with Dorea Potter had died the only person who had known all his secrets and he hadn't felt safe enough with anyone else after that. 'But emotions and crying never got me anywhere. Look at what it's doing to me right fucking now.'

Remus's hands reached for Sirius's, gently pulling them out of his pockets. 'It's not doing anything,' he said softly and he was right - Sirius's fingers had stopped trembling. 'It's when you suppress your emotions that your magic malfunctions. It messes with your intent and the flow of magic in your veins. You need to learn to let go, Sirius.' 

Sirius stared with awe into Remus's eyes, now a crystal clear amber. It wasn't about letting go, he was convinced, it was Remus. It was the kindness in his voice, his reassuring smile, and the warmth of his touch - it brought Sirius back but somehow, it also sent Sirius stumbling into an endless abyss. 'I've never kissed anyone,' he blurted out, unsure what had compelled him to reveal such a shameful secret. Something about Remus's small red lips and the way it pursed into a natural pout.

Remus looked like he was holding back laughter. 

Sirius blushed, his cheeks feeling hot. 'I mean, I never came out to anyone. It isn't just James. School was a safe haven for me. I was popular, funny, handsome, and if I said the right things, I came across as a bit of a player. And I liked that image better than the disowned gay bloke. Even afterwards, I told myself it was because I was waiting for James. That I was too in love with him to be with anyone else and part of that is true, but in reality, that institution worked. It worked and I was scared.' He smiled, trying to appear nonchalant and unfazed. 'You must think I was really stupid.'

Remus shrugged. ‘It was how you felt at that time. There's no reason to invalidate that.’ He smiled reassuringly as he stood up. There was gum stuck on the back of his trousers and he frowned in disgust as he picked it off. 'Are you ready to go home now?'

Sirius nodded, rising to his feet also. He put out his hand, palm up, for Remus to take so they could apparate out. Instead Remus handed him a set of very familiar looking keys and shot him a cheeky grin. 

'Bike's parked in my pocket if you're interested.'

Sirius's smile changed into outright laughter as he watched Remus expand the motorbike he had shrunk to fit in his pockets. It stood there on the edge of the pavement in all its glory, looking regal and powerful. ‘Did you steal my bike?’

Remus shrugged, swinging a leg over the seat and running his hands over the chrome handles in admiration. ‘You weren't doing very much to protect it,' he replied, his eyes shining in the moonlight.

Damn, he looked good. He looked like he belonged right there, on Sirius's motorbike, in his silly cardigan and faded jeans and silly, silly smile. 

'Fly, Sirius,' Remus coaxed, moving back on the seat to make space for Sirius. 'Fly free.' 

And Sirius did. He grabbed Remus by the chin and kissed him. It was a short kiss, lips pressed against each other and eyes closed far too tight, but it was every bit as exhilarating and liberating as Sirius thought it would be. 

When they parted, Remus touched his lips, looking surprised. A small smile played across his lips as Sirius sat in front of him, purposefully pressing his back against the other man's chest. The engine revved, loud in the silence of the night, before Sirius took off, keeping to the ground only long enough to gain speed. 

And then they were flying. 

It was an easy silence between them. Sirius had truly forgotten how liberating flying was; how much he felt himself up in the air in his motorbike. With the wind in his hair and nothing but the sounds of the engine humming, Sirius was very aware of Remus's every breath. He was hypersensitive to the feel of the other man's arms wrapped around his waist and the light press of their bodies against each other. He felt at peace, calm. A swelling feeling of affection for Remus rose in his chest and made the tips of his fingers tingle pleasantly. He realised that the corners of his mouth had settled into a permanent smile. 

'Are you expecting me to walk home from yours in the cold?'

Sirius shook his head, using the excuse to safely land and park his bike to stay quiet as he mustered up the courage to speak. ‘Will you stay the night?’ He asked softly, heart thumping as they took off their helmets. He turned so they were sitting face to face. 

Remus hesitated, before nodding. ‘Maybe let me enlarge the couch this time. Your wand work is terrible.'

'Or you could just share my bed?' Nervous, he felt so very nervous and he wondered if this was normal. If asking someone to be with you was always this stressful or if it was the way Remus was looking at him so intensely.

‘I don't think that's a good idea,’ Remus replied finally, looking down. It sounded like it was taking him a great deal of effort to say that. His hands were fidgeting with the helmet, nails picking at an invisible stain. 

'Remus,' Sirius swallowed heavily. ‘This isn't about taking advantage of me. It isn't about sharing our misery.' He placed both hands on top of Remus's. 'This is me just asking you to share a meaningful moment with me.' He leaned in, placing a gentle kiss on the other man's lips. When they parted, Remus exhaled slowly and Sirius could tell that the werewolf wanted this just as much as he did. 'Please.’

'Your eyes,' Remus whispered, their faces still inches apart. 'Every time I look at them, it reminds me of the river under the bridge.' He wrapped his arms around Sirius's shoulders, hips moving closer till they were flush against each other. 'I feel like I'm falling into them, only this time I might fly.'

Always such pretty, pretty words. 

Sirius pulled him into another kiss, this time not restricting himself to a chaste press of lips. Remus held him tight as their tongues warred, teeth clicking in between kisses when Sirius tried to maneuver them to the flat. Their feet shuffled awkwardly up the stairs, fingers fumbling with both clothes and keys as they tried to get inside as soon as possible. By the time they had made it to Sirius’s bed, not a single article of clothing was left between them. It was intoxicating, this feeling of skin on skin; it was nothing like he'd ever felt before. His body arched for more, pushing against Remus and pulling him closer at the same time. His hands roamed everywhere with abandon, settling on Remus's arse and squeezing tightly when lips and teeth moved down to his neck. 

'Sirius,' Remus panted, looking up. His hair was wild and his eyes wilder. 'Are you sure about this?'

‘Aren't there better things,' Sirius groaned, his chest heaving, 'you could be doing with your mouth other than talking?'

There were no words from Remus after that because damn, he really took Sirius's words to heart as he continued to move lower and lower until his mouth had encircled Sirius's cock. In fact, Sirius himself was speechless save for the expletives and groans, his fingers buried in sandy blond hair and his toes curling. He was scrabbling for breath by the time Remus lifted his head and he was only allowed a few gulps of air before that sinful mouth went even lower. 

That tongue, Sirius thought as he cried out, that tongue should be banned in every single continent. 

'Alright?' Remus asked, climbing up Sirius's body, his fingers leaving burning trails everywhere they touched. 

'Fuck no,' Sirius grunted, grabbing the man by the back of his neck and pulling him into a messy kiss. 'You are amazing,' he whispered, biting into the pale column of Remus's neck. His hands were already busying themselves with the other man's cock, delighting in the feel of it as he stroked. 'So bloody amazing.'

Remus moaned. 'Sirius, I-' he whispered something unintelligible under his breath. Grabbing Sirius's hands by the wrists and pushing them away to each side of his head, he whispered, 'Let me-' 

His eyes widened and then shut tightly, as Remus guided Sirius's cock _inside._ It was like nothing he'd ever felt before - this hot, tight heat enveloping him and creating an unbearable sensation of pleasure that coursed throughout his body. And then Remus started moving and Sirius was sure he was either going to pass out or come in seconds; he wasn't sure which would happen first. Remus's moans reverberated through his entire body and he watched, mesmerized, as the man moved on top of him in a slow rhythm; neck and back arched enticingly beads of sweat trickling down and mapping the scars on his pale skin. Sirius's fingers followed, giving in to temptation as they settled on Remus's hips and squeezed his arse. 

Sirius was surprised he lasted as long as he did.

The world went silent and white, his body arching upwards and into Remus as he came. He pulled Remus into a kiss, his other hand finding purchase on his cock and making sure he finished in tandem. They were both breathing hard as they came down from their high, Remus collapsing on top of Sirius's chest. There were a million things he wanted to say, but found that it was simply easier to pepper Remus's hair with kisses as he held him in a loose embrace. 

It felt terribly cold when Remus finally rolled away and muttered a soft cleaning spell. A small smile made its way across Sirius's lips as he watched Remus pull on his boxers and settle back down beside him. It was then that he felt the first beginnings of moisture gathering in his eyes. Horrified, he turned away, not wanting Remus to see and come to the wrong conclusion. 

They were not tears of sadness or regret, but relief at the finality of everything. Sleeping with Remus marked the end of Sirius's pining after a hopeless love and the anticipation that somehow, James would be his first. It liberated him of years of denying his sexuality, of living in fear of being persecuted by his family. He was finally, truly _free._

He felt he owed Remus an explanation and an apology, and was just about to speak when he felt arms wrap around his waist from behind and pull him close. A gentle kiss was placed against the back of his neck and a soft whisper of, ‘It's okay,' pressed into his skin. 

And not for the first time, without Sirius having to say anything, Remus _understood._

* * *


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘The first time I saw you, Sirius, it felt like we’d already met. Not here; not now. But perhaps, in another time, in another universe, we meant something to each other. Maybe as friends, maybe more, but you felt important.’ Remus shrugged, still not meeting Sirius’s eyes fully. ‘When you left, I felt this pull, like I had to follow you; like you had to mean something to me in this world, too.’

**Disclaimer:** The following contains themes and discussion of suicide. While it is not a primary feature in the story, I hope I have handled it with maturity and in a way that is sensitive to everyone's feelings. 

**Author's Note:** Wow! It's been years since I've posted or written anything. I don't know why I felt like I just _had_ to write this rather long one shot. It just wouldn't leave me until I did. Hope you enjoy!! 

  
  


**Under the Bridge, Over the Moon**

‘Good morning,' Sirius greeted, lured into the kitchen by the wonderful smell of fresh toast in the morning. He kissed Remus on the cheek, resting his chin on the man's shoulder and watching the eggs cook on the stove.

Remus's skin was warm from the hot shower he took and his wet hair curled around his ears in a way that Sirius found strangely enticing. He was dressed in Sirius's t-shirt and cargo shorts, both of which lay a little too short and a little too tight on Remus's taller frame. 

He reluctantly let go of the other man's waist and helped set their plates on the counter. ' I could really get used to this,' Sirius commented, salivating as Remus piled on perfectly fluffy eggs on to their plates. Once Remus had put away the hot pan in the sink, he pulled him into a kiss that was meant to be chaste but somehow carried on longer than necessary. ‘Mm,' Sirius licked his lips as they pulled away. 'Is the sex always this good?'

Remus shook his head, coy smile in place. ‘Sometimes, it's even better.’

 _Damn_ , Sirius thought as the beginnings of arousal creeped back in just from watching Remus walk to the table and sit down. _You are pathetic, Sirius Black._ 'When did you know?' Sirius asked curiously, joining Remus and picking up his fork. 'That you weren't quite straight?'

Remus shrugged. 'Seventeen I think. The year dad died.' He chewed quietly as if thinking how much he should reveal. 'I had quit school to work and was still barely paying the bills. Dad, in his final few months, could barely feed himself so I was also a full time caregiver. I think I just needed to get away for some time, to just forget. When I think about it now, I realise how stupid I was.' Remus sipped his orange juice. 'I let a lot of people use me and disrespect me. Often I didn't use protection and there were times, I definitely was not in a safe environment. It didn't occur to me that I could have gotten seriously hurt or that if I died, there was no one to take care of dad at home.' He smiled sadly. 'It didn't last long. Dad found out and I got an absolute earful. He was furious.'

'Was he okay with you being bisexual?'

Remus hummed in affirmation. 'Dad was a romantic. He spent his whole life in love with my mum and he believed wholeheartedly that I would, one day, find my soulmate, too. He wasn't angry about my sexuality but my blatant disregard for myself.' 

Sirius wished he had had a fraction of the love and support Remus did from his parents. He almost felt jealous of the man and his privilege. Somehow, even poor and plagued by lycanthropy, Remus, to him, appeared richer and more fulfilled than anyone he knew. Sirius had never even had the chance to understand himself when his parents found out. In sixth year he had only begun to feel the first hint of attraction towards James. 

He looked at Remus, bony and lanky, yet somehow so very handsome that it made Sirius's heart beat fast just to look at him. His sandy blonde hair always looked tousled, curling at the ends and skimming just over his eyes. His small mouth was always curved in a gentle smile, causing little crinkles to form around his expressive amber eyes. 

'Are you going to stay over tonight?' Sirius pulled Remus by the wrist as he made to get up so that the other man fell backwards into his lap. 'We could spend a lovely lazy day together,' he tried to make it more inviting by burying his face into Remus's neck and peppering it with small kisses. When Remus nodded breathlessly, he let his hand slip underneath the man's shirt. 

'Too bad we won't see each other for almost two weeks after this.' 

Sirius tilted his head curiously. 'No?'

'Full moon on Friday.'

Sirius frowned. 'Does it always take you so long to recover?’

‘Sometimes,' Remus replied, seemingly unconcerned. 'Best case scenario, I heal in two days. My spell work has improved vastly over the years, so, I'm able to fix quite a lot of damage.'

Remus spoke so nonchalantly, as if they were discussing car repair. ‘But you told me your dad would heal you and then take you fishing the next day to cheer you up?’ Sirius referenced one of their earlier conversations. 

‘Dad was an animagus. A wolf, to be exact.' Remus explained. 'He accompanied me during the full moons in his animal form. I don't know how it works, but werewolves don't attack other animals. He was able to keep me fairly calm and docile. We would run all night in a nearby forest and there were days when I would wake up and remember everything that happened.' Remus smiled as he always did when he spoke of his father. 'After he got too sick to transform, I started to chain myself in the basement with strong charms in place. It doesn't make for a happy wolf but it keeps others safe from me.’

‘But it doesn't keep you safe from yourself,' Sirius protested angrily. 

Remus laughed and kissed him sweetly on the forehead. ‘Small price to pay.’

There wasn't much room for discussion after that as Remus decided to show Sirius exactly how much better sex could get. They spent the day exactly as Sirius had planned, mood only souring when talk of James sprang up and Sirius debated whether he should apologise or if he'd ruined their friendship beyond repair. In fact, the full moon had escaped Remus's thoughts entirely for the next few days, and Sirius did not mention it on purpose. However, he'd been thinking about it constantly since Remus mentioned his dad being an Animagus. 

It had started as a lark in Sixth Year - a way to cause more mischief but also secretly, a way to focus and retrain Sirius's magic. He and James had both spent months perfecting it and then years using their animal forms to sneak around the castle, explore the Forbidden Forest, and steal Firewhisky from Hogsmeade Village. Later, after graduation, when Sirius had tried to register, his boss, Mad-Eye-Moody had stopped him. It was an asset as an Auror, and allowed him to go undetected on covert missions especially in cases where the enemy had access to details about all their personnel. 

There was nothing really to think about. Ideas had begun to churn in his head the moment Remus had indicated that it helped with the transformation. There was very little Sirius wouldn't do to help Remus and using his animagus during a full moon was a very small ask. So, come Friday, Sirius apparated into Remus's little cottage and headed straight down to the basement. 

There were butterflies in his stomach but they were a product of excitement, rather than fear. He wondered if that made him just like all the people who had slept with Remus because he was a werewolf. He couldn't deny that the idea of danger thrilled him; it felt like he was back in school and going on an adventure. 

'Sirius?' Remus asked as soon as Sirius entered. 

Whatever excitement Sirius's was feeling up to that point drained out of him the minute he saw Remus completely naked and shackled to the walls. It was dark, the scarce sunlight from the setting sun peeking out the basement window was the only source of light. Remus's eyes were brighter - irises glowing yellow while his pupils were blown out and dark. He was probably struggling to see; hence his confusion. 

'I came to take you to the forest,' Sirius replied, moving quickly and working on the restraints on Remus's hands and feet. It was getting dark quickly which meant they were running out of time. 

'Forest?' Remus seemed disoriented and confused, and Sirius wondered if the transformation affected his cognition. 'You can't be here,' he said slowly, falling into Sirius as all his shackles came loose. 'You can't be here. I will hurt you.' He was finally starting to become aware and Sirius realised it was the restraints that had been affecting him - Remus must have charmed them somehow to keep the werewolf under control. 

'It's okay,' Sirius tried to assure but Remus was starting to panic now. He was pushing Sirius away, his eyes watery as if about to cry. 'Remus, it's okay,' he tried again, reaching out for the other man hurriedly. The sun had set completely; Sirius only had seconds to apparate. 'Please, you need to trust me.'

'NO!' Remus cried as his fingers started to elongate into claws. 'NO! RUN! PLEASE! RUN! LEAVE!'

Sirius finally managed to grab a steady hold of his wrist and in a feat of impressive magic, apparated into the forest he had mapped out earlier while transforming into his Animagus simultaneously. When they fell onto the forest floor, they had both fully transformed - Sirius into a black dog and Remus into a werewolf. 

Much of what happened afterwards was a blur to Sirius. Unlike during his missions where he needed to be alert and calculating, running with a wild werewolf needed instinct. So Sirius surrendered to Padfoot (his animagus alter ego) and his doggy mind. He watched passively, taking in the simple joys of rolling around in the mud and wrestling with Remus's werewolf in the grass. They chased rabbits at some point and howled at the moon for a while. Sirius even vaguely remembered getting very affectionate licks and snuffles across his face. By morning, Padfoot was exhausted and ready for a nap, though the werewolf seemed still full of energy and oddly playful. That was when Sirius's human mind decided to take over, watching as the sun slowly made it appearance in the sky and the wolf's body contorted and snapped into a man's. 

'Don't!' Was the first thing Remus said as Sirius attempted to come near and comfort him. 'Don't!' Remus cried again, putting his hand out as he buried his face into the crook of his elbow. He was covered in dirt and shivering, but he stayed on his knees with his back hunched over.

Sirius hovered above him for what felt like an eternity, wondering if Remus was angry, if he'd fucked up yet again. He had wanted to help, but he had always been careless with boundaries and other people's feelings. For some reason, he had believed that Remus would spring back to his usual self the moment the transformation was over, especially if he was there to help. He hadn't expected to see this broken shell of a man lying naked and bruised on the ground. 

Braving a few steps closer, he placed a hand over Remus's bony shoulder.

Breaths shaky, Remus finally turned to look at him. His eyes were rimmed red; he had been crying. 'Thank you,' he whispered, much to Sirius's surprise. 'Thank you.' The amber in his eyes was soft and light, almost translucent. 'No one has ever-' He wrapped his arms around himself and looked away. 'No one has ever cared or wanted to-' 

Sirius did not wait for Remus to finish, kneeling in front of him and pulling him into a hug. Remus's skin was cold, the bones underneath feeling fragile and thin. He had never seen the other man look so weak. 'Always,' Sirius placed a soft kiss on his temple. 'For as long as you need me, I will always be here.' 

And Sirius meant it. 

* * *

'That was a tough one, wasn't it?' 

Sirius wiped his brow, tucking his wand back in his pocket. He glanced at his colleague, Gideon Prewett, from the corner of his eye. 'As long as the bastard is locked up in Azkaban for the rest of his life, it was worth it.' He surveyed the damage around them, contemplating all the paperwork they would have to file and all the Muggle structures they would have to rebuild. He was very aware of the fact that Gideon was staring at him. 'Do I have an eyebrow missing or something?' 

Gideon grinned, completely unashamed over being caught staring. 'Have you been working out more?' At Sirius's look of confusion, he continued, 'you've been looking good lately. I mean, I see you nearly every day, but I remember during James's wedding Fabian, my brother, had commented about how gaunt you looked.' 

'Oh,' Sirius wasn't sure if Gideon was attempting at a compliment. 'Thank you?'

Gideon shrugged. 'Fancy a couple of beers before heading out? I don't think Moody will care much if we put off those reports till tomorrow morning. Merlin knows we've earned it.'

Sirius glanced at his watch. He had promised Remus he would come by the clinic after work so they could walk to his flat together. He still had half an hour before Remus finished. 'Yeah, alright.'

Gideon beamed. 'Did you know there was a werewolf at James's wedding? He asked, making conversation as they walked to the nearby pub. He didn't notice Sirius stiffen. 'Sorry, I really shouldn't put it that way. He's a decent bloke; Fabian has brought him home a few times and he always makes a great breakfast in the morning.'

Sirius clenched his fists. He didn't know why but he felt an irrational sort of anger starting to rise within him. 'Old boyfriend then?' He tried to look casual, as he sat at the bar and ordered a couple of pints. 

'Ah no,' Gideon waved away. 'No future there, realistically speaking. Werewolves are,' he searched for perhaps a kinder word, ' _complicated_. But apparently, he is a mighty good shag.'

Something exploded inside Sirius and he felt like it must have outside too. He looked around, expecting something to have shattered but the pub remained blissfully ignorant to the turmoil he was feeling. 

'Sorry, I swear I don't talk about my brother's sex life on all my dates. I'm definitely not this awkward all the time, but you-'

'Wait,' Sirius interrupted. 'We are on a date?' He had never gone on a date before, but he was certain dates involved more than a few beers in a rundown pub. He wondered if Remus would ever ask him on one. But then, for Remus, all of this was probably just a 'mighty good shag' and that hardly called for romance or dates. 

Gideon coloured. 'I admit, it's not as glamorous as I'd like it to be, but honestly I've been trying to ask you out for months now.' He was rambling, clearly awkward, as his eyes looked everywhere but at Sirius. 'I've always found you attractive but only mustered up the nerve today.' He smiled, placing a hesitant hand on Sirius's. 'I _really_ do like you, Sirius.'

Dumbly, Sirius stared at Gideon's hand on top of his. It wasn't that he didn't think the other man was aesthetically attractive or that he was a terrible person by any means. It wasn't even the feelings of anger and jealousy stewing away inside of him as he thought of Remus with all these other people who had claimed him first. It was much more complicated than that and Sirius had long ago figured out this aspect of his sexuality. It had only been cemented by his attraction to both James and recently, Remus; and he had mostly come to terms with it. 

'Sorry,' Sirius apologised, taking his hand away. 

The conversation died quickly after that and they said their awkward goodbyes. Gideon particularly was in much more of a hurry to leave, apologising profusely to Sirius for the misunderstanding. Sirius, however, was reluctant to go to the clinic for the first time since he met Remus. Gideon's words plagued his mind and spread like a disease until he could not think rationally. He hated how he felt but could do little to stop the spite and anger from growing inside of him. 

'You look like you had a bad day.'

Sirius looked at Remus, blinking like an idiot, before blurting out, ‘I went on a date today.’

'Oh.'

Sirius didn't know what he was expecting. He didn't even know why he chose to word it that way - that encounter with Gideon had definitely not been a date. But he had wanted a reaction; _some_ kind of acknowledgment from Remus. He didn't get any. 

Remus simply laughed and patted him on the back as if in encouragement ‘How did it go?' 

Sirius shrugged, trying to hide his disappointment. ‘Maybe if I got to know him better. It's not just about attraction with me, you know that. I need an emotional connection before I can feel anything for anyone or even contemplate going out with them.' He glanced at Remus through the corner of his eyes, wondering if Remus was experiencing the same feelings of jealousy or if he was internally laughing because Sirius was yet again, different. Or worse, did he feel nothing at all? 'I can't do random one night stands or just have sex with someone I find attractive. I don't understand it, but I can't control it. I don't know why I have more qualms about having sex with someone unknown than jumping off a cliff with him.'

'Trust is an important factor to you; it makes you feel safe. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself,' Remus assured softly, his hand reaching for Sirius's. Sirius wondered if Remus was kind to all the people he slept with; if he offered to hold all their hands so freely in public as they walked down a crowded street. 'Sex is personal and different for everyone.’

Sirius snorted. ‘It isn't that personal for you, is it? Anyone will do as long as they spread their legs wide enough.'

It was the wrong thing to say, Sirius knew the moment it came out of his mouth. Remus's expression was that of hurt, the amber in his eyes swirling like a storm. He muttered a soft sorry and let go of Sirius's hand.

It was too late to take what he'd said back and Sirius did not feel like apologising. Not when he felt like his outburst had been justified. Not when he himself felt confused and used by Remus. And certainly not when Remus refused to so much as look at him or speak to him the rest of their journey. The silence between them was awkward and the distance between their bodies as they walked was painful. 

'Are you not coming in?' Sirius asked as he climbed the stairs to his flat alone. His heart sank as Remus shook his head, standing still at the bottom of the stairs and looking steadfastly down. 'I'll see you tomorrow then?'

‘I think we should stop. Sirius,' Remus said so softly that Sirius was sure it had been his imagination. 

_Apologise._ ‘Stop what?’ he asked dumbly. _Just apologise._

‘Whatever this is.' Their eyes finally met and for the first time, there was _nothing._ Remus had shut down entirely. ‘You deserve so much more than this. You are _extraordinary_ , Sirius. You are loyal, and funny, and you care so fiercely, and you are so damn beautiful, I-' Remus faltered. He took a deep breath in. 'You deserve someone you can fall in love with.'

Sirius didn't know what to say. He didn't understand where all of this was coming from. He couldn't even comprehend the meaning of Remus's words fully. _Why?_ He wanted to ask even though Remus was already telling him why. _Why are you doing this?_

'You were right, you know,' Remus wrapped his arms around himself even though it was the middle of summer. 'I'm promiscuous and I've never been able to make relationships work; I've barely ever tried. I'm unstable and a werewolf-'

'I've never cared about that!' Sirius protested, finally finding his voice. 

'Well you _should_ fucking care!' Remus screamed and it was the first time Sirius had heard him raise his voice. 

‘So what, I never see you again? Pretend we never met or that you didn't save my fucking life?’ Sirius retorted. He wanted to shake Remus. Shake him and tell him he was being unreasonable and that Sirius was sorry for being cruel. 

‘I will always be there when you need me, Sirius,' Remus replied softly, backing away and moving even further away from Sirius. 

‘What does that even mean?’ Sirius asked sadly, giving in. 

‘It means goodbye I suppose.' 

And just like that, Remus disapparated from Sirius's life. 

* * *

'Coffee for two?'

'James?' Sirius was sure he was imagining his best friend standing at his office door. It had been two months since their encounter at the pub and Sirius had attempted to reach out by letter but had been steadfastly ignored. Lily had been apologetic of James's behaviour every time they had met at the clinic. 

'I brought sandwiches, too.' James offered, walking in while looking awkward and abashed. 'Lily told me you hadn't been to the clinic in a while, so I thought I'd come by and check up on you.'

Ofcourse Sirius hadn't been by the clinic. He no longer had a reason to go there. It hurt. It hurt terribly thinking about Remus, so instead he focused on James instead. 'Work has been busy, that's all.' He accepted the coffee and sandwich, gesturing for James to sit. 'How's Lily?'

'Oh you know, she's a little shaken after the incident at the clinic but she's alright.'

Sirius froze mid-bite. 'Incident?'

'Remus didn't tell you?' James asked, surprised. 'Some idiots who opposed the clinic decided to attack it as _protest_ ; Purebloods primarily of course.' He rolled his eyes. 'And of course the Ministry did fucking _nothing_.' 

That explained why Sirius didn't know anything about it; the incident had never been reported. Something of that scale would have warranted a full team of Aurors. 

'The staff on call that night were left to defend themselves. Bastards!' James exclaimed angrily. 'I'm just glad Remus was there that night. His defence skills are probably one of the best I've seen and you know Lily, she's brilliant but her _talents_ are limited. And he's always looked out for her, you know. As long as he's there, I know someone is keeping her safe.'

Sirius had felt that way as well while they were together. _Safe._ Somehow, it had always felt like as long as Remus was there with him, no harm could ever come to him. 'Did anyone get hurt?' Did Remus get hurt, he wanted to ask, who looked after Remus if Remus looked after everyone? 

'He really didn't tell you anything, eh?' James asked, raising an eyebrow. 'No serious injuries, no. But Lily is going to raise hell about this, mark my words. I can already smell another lawsuit.' 

'Hm,' Sirius hummed, chewing his sandwich distractedly. He still couldn't stop thinking about Remus. 

Something must have showed on Sirius's face because James patted him on the back reassuringly. 'That boyfriend of yours is really something, you know. You should have seen the way he descended upon me the moment he saw me.' 

Sirius didn't bother correcting the misconception that Remus was his boyfriend. 'He came to see you?' 

James shook his head. 'I've been picking Lily up since the incident at the clinic. I know she can look out for herself but it bothers me, you know.' He laughed. 'He gave me such an earful, honestly.' His face turned serious. 'Truthfully, Sirius, this apology is well overdue.'

'You don't have to-'

'No, Sirius, let me finish please. I have been an absolute shit friend to you and I let my ego get in the way all these months. I am sorry.' He put his palm up, effectively stopping Sirius from trying to speak again. 'You were right. I never noticed how much distress you were in, or that you were gay, or even that you had feelings for me.’

Sirius's eyes widened.

'Remus told me and I wish you had, too.' James clarified. ‘I was always caught up in my own problems and I never noticed yours. I can't imagine how horrible it must have been for you, but you talked me through every single obstacle I had with Lily and always encouraged me to go after her. You could have been selfish but you weren't. You even helped us plan the wedding. And mum…' James swallowed thickly, Dorea' death still clearly a sensitive topic. 'I should have never said those things. It was completely out of line, especially since you took charge of her funeral arrangements and all her paperwork because dad and I just _couldn't_ . You loved her, I knew that. I've _always_ known that.'

Sirius nodded, feeling a lump lodge tight in his throat. Trying to break the tension in the air, he laughed and lightly punched his friend in the arm. 'Stop being a wanker. You didn't have to make a whole speech to apologise.' He felt better when James shot him a weak smile. 'Look, we're best mates. We always will be. We were the greatest pranksters in Hogwarts history and we went on missions and illegal trips. All of that meant I didn't have to be the bloke whose parents didn't want him. Or the gay kid that no one wanted to be near. I was _happy_.'

James chuckled and everything felt normal again, as they shared memories of their time in school together. They laughed over coffee and James brought Sirius up to speed on everything that had happened during and after the wedding. It wasn't until James was ready to leave that the topic of Remus came up again. 

‘It's good to have you back again, mate.'

Sirius snorted. ‘Don't be absurd. I was never gone.'

James shook his head. ‘No, you were, Sirius. I think even before the wedding and everything that happened, you were _changing_ and not for the better. I just never realised it until Remus came along.' He smiled. 'He's obviously good to you and you're happier with him around. You hold on to him, you hear?'

 _You hold on to him._ Those were the words James had left him with and Sirius couldn't think about how much he'd failed to do exactly that. Remus had pushed him away and he had accepted it without a fight, even though every inch of his body wanted nothing more than to be with him. In the last two weeks, he had thought of Remus constantly and caught himself many times from visiting the clinic. 

His anger and jealousy seemed so petty and foolish now. He had thought Remus was being guarded with him, but the truth was far from it. The other man had shared everything with him; confided in him the secrets of his past, his parents' deaths; had shared his home and bed. Sirius had meant something to Remus. Perhaps it hadn't been love, but it had never been just sex either. 

Making up his mind, Sirius apparated to the clinic. 

‘If you're looking for Remus, he isn't here,' Lily approached him as he entered the clinic, signaling to one of the Healers that she would be right back. 'He’s on mandatory leave for the day.'

Sirius frowned. 'Is everything alright?'

Lily fiddled with her ponytail. 'Honestly, I don't know. He's been really out of it for the past few days and I think I caught him crying at the back today. It could have been my imagination; you know Remus - he's stoic as a wall when it comes to how he's feeling. He hasn't told you anything?' When Sirius shook his head, she sighed. 'I've honestly never seen him like this. I mean, it's the anniversary of his mother's passing, so I do understand that he's upset but…' 

Sirius had no idea. 'I'll stop by the cottage to check up on him.'

Lily looked hesitant. ‘Sirius, if he hasn't told you anything, then perhaps it's better to give him some space.' She fidgeted from one leg to another. 'Remus has a hard time grieving in front of people and I don't think he's ever really moved on from his parents' deaths.'

No one ever does, Sirius wanted to say, but felt it was unnecessary. He also didn't care what Lily thought. He had no intention of giving Remus any form of space. 

Saying his goodbyes, Sirius hurriedly apparated to Remus's cottage. He must have knocked on the door for fifteen minutes before it started raining heavily. Casting an impervious charm on himself, he continued his search in the backyard and peeked through all the windows to check for signs of movement. He found no one home. 

Dejected, he apparated outside his flat with the intention of taking the bike for a search ride and browsing past the places Remus usually tended to go. Instead, he found Remus right at his doorstep, sitting on the top most stair and soaking in the rain. 

'Remus?' Sirius approached him, feeling unsure and hesitant. 

Lily had been right; Remus _had_ been crying and perhaps still was. The rain masked his tears well, but did little for the bright red rims around his eyes or the way his jaw trembled. He was completely drenched, his hair sticking to his face and his eyelashes clumping. His arms were wrapped around his body tightly as he shivered in the cold. 

When he spoke, his voice was watery, ‘I missed you.'

It was all the permission Sirius needed to run up the rest of the stairs and pull Remus into an embrace. He held the other man tight, feeling the last two weeks of sadness finally melt away. Sirius wasn't sure how long they hugged, but he realised when his impervious was starting to wear off that Remus's skin was ice cold. 

‘How long have you been sitting here?' 

Remus shrugged, looking down. He sniffed, his hands still holding on to the front of Sirius's robes.

'Let's get you inside,' Sirius said, gently pulling away to open the door to his flat and let Remus in. Once they were inside, Sirius went directly to the bedroom and sifted through the mess that was his closet. 'There are towels in the bathroom and I'll find you some clothes you can change into. I think I might have some stuff left over from the last time you were here-'

‘Sirius.'

'Hm?' Sirius felt the clothes in his hands fall to the floor as he turned towards Remus.

There was a wet puddle steadily getting bigger where Remus had dropped all his wet clothes. He had discarded _everything_ and Sirius's gaze followed a slow path up Remus's naked body, his throat feeling dry and papery as he watched droplets of rain trace every single scar. 

Remus was still shivering but his amber eyes were clear and pleading as he spoke, 'Please…'

He looked so small right at that moment. So small and vulnerable and fragile, with his arms still protectively wrapped around his body and his scars on display in the harsh light of the bedroom. It would be taking advantage of him, Sirius tried to tell himself, walking closer as if being pulled by a magnet. If their positions were reversed, Remus would never touch him the way he was doing now - sensously slow and with purpose. Remus would never kiss his neck softly and squeeze his arse to pull him closer. Remus would certainly never fall to his knees in front of him and take all of him in his mouth like a starving man. 

But Sirius realised as hands buried into his dark hair and needy moans perforated the silence in the air that he was not a good man. That he was not as kind or patient or understanding. That he was weak to the way Remus's body splayed on the bed, so open and trusting. He was weak to the way Remus kissed him, tongue pliant and searching. The little resistance he could muster up was lost the minute he was inside Remus, their bodies pushed together into a perfect fit like pieces of a puzzle. 

So instead, Sirius took him. Took everything Remus gave so freely and willingly. He let their bodies move together in a rhythm he missed far too much and he came deep inside of him so that their worlds merged into that one perfect moment of shared bliss. 

When they were done, Sirius watched in disappointment as Remus slid off the bed and started to fiddle with his wet clothes. He wondered if Remus was going to leave him again or if he was going to speak at all. Just when Sirius was starting to give up, Remus walked back, sitting next to Sirius's knee and holding up a small red pouch in his palm. 

‘I came to give you this,' he whispered softly, his amber eyes expectant as Sirius took the velvet pouch from him.

A thin, silver band fell into Sirius's palm, unremarkable save for the gold sheen that circulated in the inner diameter. There was magic embedded into it; Remus's magic. Sirius knew the signature well; could feel it thrumming with his own just like it did every time he had had a meltdown and Remus had held his hands. 

‘Dad blamed himself all the time for mum's death. If he had been using magic, if he hadn't listened to her, if he had accompanied her home that night – endless ifs that he constantly tortured himself with.' Their eyes met and Sirius felt weighed down by the intensity of Remus's amber gaze. 'She was the love of his life and he just couldn't forgive himself for not being there. He spent years on that ring. It has basic protection charms built into it and a crisis alarm, so if you're ever in danger, I would know.'

Sirius looked down at it again, his ring finger unconsciously experimenting with the fit. Each time, the ring expanded to fit snugly.

‘Dad gave it to me before he died. At the time, I didn't understand it, but he told me that one day I would value someone's life more than anything else in this world and that day, I would know what to do with it.'

Remus looked tired. There were dark circles around his eyes as if he hadn't slept in years. His cheeks were hollow and a red ring was forming near his collarbone where Sirius had bit down as if to claim him. Sirius's eyes followed down to the burn mark on Remus's chest - it was from an Unforgivable; he knew from experience. It had been healed well but curses like that were notorious for leaving a mark. He had noticed it earlier but his mind had been too addled to ask about it. Now, the more he looked at it, the more he noticed how close it had gotten to Remus's heart.

_You protect everyone but yourself. Who keeps you safe?_

‘Remus,' Sirius said softly, taking off the ring and putting it back inside the pouch. 'I can't keep this.’

Remus's face fell. He looked like he'd been punched. ‘Sorry,’ he apologised, when he realised he was crying. ‘Oh God, sorry. This is mortifying.’ he turned away, covering his eyes with his hands and laughing weakly. 'I should go. I should-'

'Remus, that's not what I meant.' When he found that Remus was not listening, Sirius held him by the wrist and pulled him back into bed. 'That's not what I meant,' he repeated, pulling the sandy blond to his chest and holding him close. He took the ring out and put it back on his finger pointedly. 'I only meant that it was clearly something important to you and I shouldn't be the one to have it.'

Remus closed his eyes as Sirius gently wiped away his tears and kissed each cheek. 'You are the only person meant to have it.' Hesitantly, he wrapped his arms around Sirius's waist and buried his face into Sirius's neck. His voice was muffled when he spoke, ‘If you don't let me go now, I'll never leave. I'll keep coming back to you.’

Sirius held him, if possible, even tighter and pulled the covers over their bodies. They had not dressed yet and as they lay down back in bed, Sirius could feel a lazy arousal creeping back in as their naked bodies brushed together. Remus was warm against him, molded into his side - face still snug in the crook of his neck and fingers drawing cryptic patterns on his chest. 

‘Will you take me to visit your parents someday?’ Sirius asked as he played with Remus's hair. With the adrenaline of the moment starting to subside, a comfortable drowsiness was taking over. 

Remus sniffed as he nodded. ‘Mum would have liked you.' 

‘Oh?’

Remus hummed, eyes closing tiredly. 'She always just wanted me to be happy.'

Sirius kissed Remus's forehead sweetly, smiling. 'And are you happy?'

The only answer Sirius got was the soft snores of a very sleepy werewolf. 

* * *

‘Thank you for doing this,’ Sirius said as he set four plates down on the dining table. He gathered up the cutlery, sorting them. ‘James’s family don't know I'm gay yet and he really wanted you to be there for this big news of his.’ Sirius rolled his eyes. ‘I don't know why he couldn't just tell me at the office or pub. Everything is always such a production with that man.’

Sirius was met with silence. Remus had been this way since last night. Sirius would have assumed he was miffed about the last minute dinner invitation, but the other man had been preoccupied even before that. Their usual banter and chatter as they walked home from work had been missing yesterday evening. Even dinner had been a quiet affair and Remus had tossed and turned all night, refusing to be cuddled by Sirius. 

‘Are you sure you're alright?’ Sirius's asked for the hundredth time that day. 'There's clearly something on your mind since yesterday. Why won't you tell me?' 

Remus blinked as if only just passing attention. 'Sorry,' he said softly, looking down at the tomatoes he was chopping. 

'You're going to lose a finger at this rate,' Sirius chided. 'Here, let me,' he took the knife from Remus's hands and began to chop. His knife skills were clumsy at best and the tomatoes came out in all different shapes and sizes. 'Tell me what's wrong, Remus.' 

Remus sighed heavily. 'I spoke to Lily yesterday at work. Sirius, listen, about this news, I just don't want you to be upset when you hear it. I know-'

'SIRIUS BLACK, I KNOW THIS IS YOUR DOING, YOU WANKER!'

Sirius sniggered. ‘I may have tampered with the wards a little,' he admitted unabashedly to Remus. 'James might be dangling upside down from his knickers right now. Don't worry,' he assured Remus with a kiss on the cheek. 'It's just a harmless prank. Lily will get him down.'

Remus nodded but his face did not relax. If anything he looked even more on the edge. Sirius made a note in his mind to coax more information out of Remus later tonight. For now, he would let it slide and enjoy their first dinner party with his best friends. 

'You've changed a few things since I was last here,' Lily commented as she walked in, a very grumpy James in tow. 'Nicer furniture, too.'

'Sirius brought a few of his things here,' Remus replied. His voice was lacking inflection and his eyes were dull. 'He said he was running out of room at the flat.'

Lily raised an eyebrow and exchanged secret glances with James, communicating without words to her husband. 'Well, she said finally, smiling at both Sirius and Remus, 'it looks lovely.' 

Remus's mood did not improve for the rest of the evening. If anything he got even more quiet despite Sirius's attempts to engage him in conversation. James and Lily, for their part, didn't seem to notice. It was coming to a point that Sirius was starting to worry. 

'Sit down, I got this,' he instructed Remus, kissing him on the cheek softly, before heading to the kitchen to get the food. 

'This is the silverware mum gave you when you moved out, isn't it?' James asked, sitting down at the table. He had a nostalgic smile on his face, as he picked up the fork and rolled it in his hands. 'You bought that place with your own money and mum was so proud. Until you decided to invite us to dinner.'

Sirius laughed. 'Well, I can assure you that I did none of the cooking this time around.'

'Thank Merlin,' James teased. 'I remember she had these specially made with your initials-' he went silent once he turned the fork to glance at the bottom. A slow, cheeky smile spread across his face and Sirius could see him compiling a list of ways to embarrass him. 

No doubt James had noticed the extra set of initials Sirius had added. He hadn't shown them to Remus yet, or mentioned that he'd tampered with the silverware. He was very aware that it made him look like the adult equivalent of a teenage girl writing her crush's initials with hers in a notebook and drawing a heart around it. 

Luckily, Lily cleared her throat and changed the topic before James could take the opportunity to embarrass Sirius. 'Well, this is just delicious, Remus.'

'I agree, Remus. This mash is almost as well whipped as Sirius.'

Or so Sirius thought. 

The banter went on for a while, with everyone teasing each other. Remus was trying. Sirius could see him put in the effort. As they chatted happily over dinner, Remus made the effort to laugh at all of James and Sirius's jokes and be attentive to everything Lily said. But he was drifting in and out, his face returning to a concerned frown during moments of silence. When finally the time came for James's "big announcement", Remus froze completely and he placed a hand on Sirius's knee. 

'We're pregnant!' James burst out happily, shocking Sirius into silence. 

Sirius blinked, wondering if he'd heard incorrectly. Remus's hand on his knee got even tighter. Suddenly, Sirius found himself laughing, bubbles of happiness causing hiccups to burst forth. 'You dog, James!' He exclaimed, getting up and pulling his best friend into a hug. 'Congratulations!' He embraced Lily, kissing her on the cheek. 'This is wonderful news!'

'Well,' Lily said slowly, taking a hold of Sirius's hands in hers. 'We actually had something to ask of you, didn't we James?' She looked at her husband pointedly. 

James grinned and scrunched up the back of his hair, obviously nervous. 'You can say no ofcourse, but we would love for you to be the baby's godfather.'

Sirius felt like his heart could burst, the feelings of overwhelming joy swelling in his chest. 'Yes,' he replied, still unable to control his laughter. 'Yes, if you wouldn't have offered, I'd have taken the position myself.' He glanced at Remus, wide grin in place. 'Can you believe it, Remus?'

'I'll get us some dessert and celebratory drinks,' Remus replied, a gentle but unconvincing smile on his face. 'Orange juice alright for you, Lily?' 

'I'll go help,' Sirius excused himself, following after Remus. 'Hey, you alright?'

Remus nodded, leaning against the counter and gazing intensely at Sirius. 'How about you? Are you doing okay? How do you feel?'

'Ecstatic,' Sirius smiled widely as he pulled Remus into a tight hug. 'My entire body is buzzing from excitement, can you tell?' 

'You're happy.' Remus sounded surprised. 

'Why wouldn't I be?' He rested his chin on Remus's shoulder, pulling their bodies closer till there was no space left in between them. 'I've just been put in charge of a whole new generation of troublemakers and it is my sole duty to make sure that any child I godfather will make James's life a living hell.'

'Oh dear Merlin,' Remus laughed his first genuine laugh since yesterday morning. 'James and Lily have no idea what they've done, have they?'

'None at all,' Sirius replied, his smile mischievous. The muscles in Remus's shoulders were loosening and Sirius could see the permanent frown that had marred his face for so long finally softening. 'Were you worried it was going to be bad news? He asked curiously, running his hands through sandy blond curls lovingly. 

'Something like that,' Remus confirmed. 

'Silly,' Sirius whispered, pulling Remus into a soft kiss. 'You are a very silly werewolf, worrying about things that might not even happen.' He kissed Remus again and again and again. 'You think one day we could adopt a few brats of our own?' Sirius asked quietly, snuffling into Remus's neck. 'For the simple purposes of keeping baby Potter company ofcourse.'

Remus went quiet for a little while but Sirius wasn't terribly concerned, given the way their bodies were swaying in a silent rhythm and the way Remus's arms held him, possessive. 'You'd want that with me?'

Sirius rolled his eyes and was about to make a snarky comment when James's voice rang out, 'If the two of you are done shagging, we'd really like to have our drinks now!' 

* * *

'Coming here to ogle our Healers is strictly against policy, sir.'

Sirius startled. 

It was Lily, chuckling at Sirius's expression. 'Sorry, I couldn't help it. You've been staring at him for the last ten minutes, you know. Drooling a little, too.'

Sirius wiped the corner of his mouth, just in case. It was not uncommon for him to drool a little in Remus's presence. 'Do you happen to know how much longer he'll be? I'm starving.'

Lily raised an eyebrow and peeked over Sirius's shoulder. 'Oh, he's speaking with Healer Vincent, isn't he? It might be a while. One of Remus's patients passed away last night while Vince was tending to him. He probably wants the full report. Older gentleman; werewolf. He was denied care for years until his wounds got too severe.'

That explained why Remus looked so serious. 

‘Not everyone has the privilege of having a supportive family like Remus's unfortunately.' Lily smiled sadly. 'But what makes Remus a good caregiver and very popular with our patients is his level of empathy.'

'He's a very good Healer, too,' Sirius defended, not wanting Lily to diminish Remus's talents. 

'He is,' Lily agreed, ' _Now._ But when we first met, John Lupin had only taught him magic that he felt was essential to his survival, so healing charms and defence. In fact, he was much better at defense and protective spells than healing. He had little to no basic knowledge of the fundamentals. But something about him really drew me to him.'

Sirius knew the feeling though he made light of it with Lily as he said, 'Werewolf magic?'

Lily laughed. 'Perhaps. Certainly would explain why Vince is always mooning over him.'

And there it was again. That familiar feeling of jealousy and posessiveness rearing its ugly head. He had buried the hatred for all of Remus's old partners for months now, telling himself again and again that it didn't matter. The truth was that it did matter; very much so, especially because it made Sirius say irrational and cruel things like, 'I suppose Remus mooned right back at him and they had a dandy of a time at some point?'

Lily's face scrunched up in anger. 'Green is a very unattractive colour on you, Black!' She snapped, looking like a mother lion defending her cub. 'If you must know, Remus turned him down because he was already with you at the time.'

Sirius felt rightfully ashamed. ‘Sorry, I suppose it still bothers me. Not the fact that he has more experience; Merlin knows that's worked out in my favour, but that so many people have seen him like this, have been with him the way I am now.'

Lily sighed and put a hand on his shoulder. 'Sirius, I say this with the utmost sincerity. _No one_ has been with him in the same capacity that you have.' She squeezed gently. 'Trust me.' When Sirius looked doubtful, she continued, 'Look, Remus comes with his own challenges, but so do you. So do _all of us_. But unexpectedly, he's accepted all of yours, so you need to get over yourself and accept his if you really want to be with him.'

Sirius nodded, looking back at Remus and feeling his heart beat a little faster when their eyes met and he was gifted with a small smile. 'Wait,' he frowned. 'You said _unexpectedly,_ he accepted all my flaws. What do you mean by that?'

'Oh you know, you're still kind of in the closet and Remus has been out for a long time now. It can't be easy for him, having to hide all the time.'

Sirius looked baffled. 'What are you talking about? I'm out.’

Lily scoffed. ‘Only because James confronted you about it.'

‘I'm here nearly every day,' he protested, even though a part of him knew Lily was right. 'I kiss him on the cheek in front of all these people every time I'm here.'

‘You kiss him in front of people who don't matter and will never judge you. Look I'm not trying to push you.' Lily adjusted her ponytail swinging it back. 'It's just that Remus is someone who puts a lot of importance on family and he's never even met yours. I'm not talking about the Blacks and you know it,' she added sternly. 'I guess, I always thought he would be someone who would seek out his partner's family, having lost his own so early on.’

Sirius hadn't thought of it that way. In fact, Sirius had never considered coming out to the entire Potter clan terribly important. He had been content with James and Lily knowing, and he himself slowly getting comfortable with his sexuality. He glanced at the ring on his left hand; the one that had belonged to Remus's mother. Family _was_ special to Remus and it only made sense for Sirius to share his own. 

‘Do you own a pair of dress robes?’ Was the first thing Sirius asked when Remus finally joined them. 

'I don't believe so, no,' Remus replied, confused. 'What's this about?' He looked at Lily, who simply shrugged, smiled cryptically at Sirius and left. 'Are we going to a funeral? Or is this part of some new fetish you're interested to try?' He whispered the last bit, his breath hot against Sirius's ear. 

_Damn it._ Sirius replied with a no, though he couldn't get the idea out of his head now that the seed had been planted. 'Let's head to my flat first before going home? I think I might have some dress robes in larger sizes that I haven't gotten tailored yet.' 

'You are being very suspicious,' Remus commented, holding Sirius's hand as they walked out of the clinic. 

'There's a party,' Sirius explained, 'The Potters throw it every Christmas and it's a very big deal because the whole family gets together that one time a year. And I mean, every single one of the eighty seven Potters in existence. No one in the family is allowed to miss it.'

They apparated to Sirius's flat and were immediately hit by the musty smell of disuse and mildew. Sirius realised he hadn't been to the flat in months. It had just been easier to stay at Remus's since the other man did all the cooking and also indulged in a little late night cuddling. 

'But I'm not a Potter,' Remus went on to say logically, scrunching up his nose at the smell. A wave of his wand and thankfully, the stench was replaced with the scent of fresh lavender. 

'Yes, but I am a Potter, _sort of._ Adopted into the family, I suppose. And I'd like you to accompany me as my-' Sirius faltered. What was Remus anyway - boyfriend, partner, lover, sex friend? '- plus one,' he finished lamely, lacking a better word. 

'Plus one,' Remus repeated, a slow smile gracing his face. 'Are there really that many Potters?' He asked, taking off his shirt and trousers as Sirius started to rifle through his closet for old dress robes. 

Sirius nodded. 'Pureblood breeding at its finest. The worst part is that they all look like James.' He shuddered for effect. ‘At least us Blacks are easy on the eyes if nothing else.'

'Hm, can't argue with that.' Remus pulled the dress robes he was given over his head and promptly made a face. 'Do you have one that I can actually breathe in?' He asked with distaste, looking down at his green robes. He moved his wrist and neck uncomfortably, where the heavy gold embroidery was probably itching. 

It was a far cry from his baggy jumpers and corduroy trousers, or even his more casual cargos and polos. The fit on the dress robes made his shoulders look broader, his chest strong and his arms oddly muscular. The deep emerald green shade brought out the amber in his eyes, making it look multi- dimensional as the colours swirled within his irises. Even his pale complexion somehow looked ethereal and flawless. _Beautiful,_ Sirius thought, knowing very well he was staring. _So very beautiful._

It was a dangerous train of thought and completely inaccurate, because Remus was much, much more beautiful when he was pushed against the wall. With his robes wide open and barely hanging over his shoulders; legs wrapped around Sirius's waist and his long neck arched – he looked stunning. There were beads of sweat running down his thin body and he moaned every time Sirius pushed into him. Remus like this was addictive - the taste of his tongue, the smell of his hair, the feel of his fingers as they dug into Sirius’s arse to pull him in deeper and then come in sharp, continuous thrusts. 

‘What are they like?’ Remus asked, as they lay tangled on the floor, still catching their breaths. 'The Potters, I mean?' 

‘Well,' Sirius thought, wrapping his arms around Remus and kissing him on the forehead. 'Aunt Beatrice is a bit mad and she always tells the same story about how her cat ended the second world war and there's Grandma Maureen who claims she was the first play wizard model in history…'

* * *

'I can't believe Sirius brought you to the infamous Potter Christmas party! James wouldn't bring me until we were actually married, can you believe it!'

'James is a fool,' Sirius commented, though not without affection. 'He's been in love with you since Fifth year. You deserved to be here much earlier.'

James shrugged, hiding his blush behind a glass of wine. They were at the Potter manor, enjoying some after dinner drinks. The four of them, James, Lily, Sirius and Remus, had grouped together near the fireplace, tired of interacting with the massive Potter clan and also wanting to have a conversation in peace. 

'I was always afraid she'd be intimidated by them. The Potters are a rambunctious bunch to begin with and you know how excited they get when someone brings in new gossip.' James shuddered. 'Remember when Uncle Benji was dating that Veela and decided to invite her?' 

'Poor thing,' Sirius mourned. 'I don't think her hair will ever grow back the same way again.' He avoided Remus's questioning gaze, kissing him on the cheek lightly instead. 'Remus, however, seems to have done splendidly well. Even when Leonard lit those fireworks under his chair.'

Remus's ears turned red, but he looked pleased. 

'Sirius must be having a bad influence on you if you thought retaliating by charming the peas to fly into his nose was a good idea,' Lily scolded Remus, glaring at the other two when they laughed.

Sirius was still laughing about it as he and James walked to the bar to refill their drinks. A small group of older Potter women, including Grandma Maureen, were already crowding around the bar when they arrived, presumably to hound the rather good looking bartender about his relationship status and if he'd be open to dating one of their many granddaughters and nieces. Unless Grandma Maureen was planning on having him for her own; she'd been very flirtatious after Grandpa Oscar's passing. 

'Sirius, it was so lovely to see you again!' Aunt Lydia exclaimed, giving the both of them a genuine smile. 'You seem to just get more and more handsome every time we meet.' She pinched his chin lightly, her gesture affectionate. 

'Thank you,' Sirius grinned, even as James rolled his eyes. 

'Kathy and I were just talking about that boy of yours and what a darling he is,' Lydia went on, signalling for a drink. The bartender gave it to her hurriedly, probably glad to have all that female attention directed elsewhere. 'Wherever did you find a gem like him?'

Sirius shrugged shyly, feeling happy and proud at the same time. It wasn't that he doubted that the Potters would receive his coming out warmly, but he had been nervous regardless. 

'So when is the big day?' Grandma Maureen asked, taking a sip of her Firewhisky and revealing her brand new dentures. 

'Big day?' Sirius and James exchanged curious looks. 

'Oh, don't play daft, love. We can all see that ring on your finger.'

'Oh!' Sirius had nearly forgotten about it. It was always on; had been a consistent part of him since he got it. 'You misunderstand. This is Remus's mother's wedding ring.'

All five ladies burst into giggles. 

'I mean-I-' he stuttered, not sure how to explain and beginning to feel embarrassed. 'It's not _that_ kind of ring. Remus and I aren't, you know…I mean we're together but not _together_ , and it's not terribly serious but-'

'Mate, you need to stop,' James advised, entirely unhelpful. 'You are fooling nobody.' 

'Eh?' Sirius hadn't realised he could squawk that loudly or that he could make a handful of old ladies laugh so hard without even trying. Maureen's dentures were threatening to fall into her drink. 

'Oh, poppet, do you really expect us to believe that the man who just spent the last five hours trying to charm the entire Potter clan isn't actually in love with you?' Aunt Kathy asked sarcastically. 

'Love?' Sirius bumbled, shocked. 'Remus isn't in love with me?' His voice was unexpectedly high pitched and he looked back cautiously to see if Remus or Lily had heard him. They hadn't. 

'Hate to break it to you, mate, but Remus is _definitely_ in love with you,' James was looking at him with an incredulous expression as if he couldn't believe how daft Sirius was being. 'No sane man spends the whole night looking at old pictures of you or listening to your dumb childhood stories without some sort of intense feelings involved.'

'Let's not forget that he had his hand on your knee all through dinner,' Aunt Sharon piped up. 'Oh yes, we _all_ noticed.' 

‘Also, aren't the two of you living together?' James added, not at all helping the situation. 

'That's because Remus cooks dinner!' Sirius argued hotly. He looked again at Remus, sitting innocently by the fireplace and chatting away. For some unknown reason, just looking at him made Sirius's cheeks burn. 'And we have sex!' _Unnecessary._ Sirius had no idea why he felt the need to share that bit of information. 

It made all five Potter women titter amongst themselves. 'Oh honey, at your age, you're definitely not having sex every night.' Grandma Maureen, who was _ninety two_ , roared with laughter. 

If there was a hole Sirius could hide in at this very moment, he would jump in headfirst. He didn't know why he felt so nervous or overwhelmed; he was usually the confident and charming one, especially with older women. Somehow, the entire conversation and the relentless teasing had made him exceptionally uncomfortable. 

He glanced at Remus again and was relieved when the other man looked up, a curious frown on his face. He mouthed if everything was alright and when Sirius shook his head desperately, the sandy blond stood up with the obvious intent to come to his rescue. 

'Do you see the way he looks at you, Sirius?' Aunt Lydia asked softly, her hand gentle on his arm. 'That is the face of a man smitten.'

* * *

'I've wanted to bring you here for a while now but I wasn't sure if you were ready,' Remus said softly, holding Sirius's hand as they walked along the river bank. 'I avoided coming here for years because I felt it represented all my failures, a time where my life was falling apart.'

'It's beautiful at night,' Sirius whispered, his eyes travelling up to that fated bridge that had started everything for him. 

It was decorated for Christmas, twinkling lights of red, green and gold, looking harmless and festive. From this vantage point, even the river did not look ominous but serene as fireflies danced on its surface in the silence of the night. It had never occurred to Sirius that there was more to this place than just the bridge; that there were flower shops on either side or a river bank that had benches laid out for passersby to sit and enjoy a moment of calm. 

'This place led me to you,' Remus said, still looking up at the bridge as they sat down on one of the benches. His eyes were glittering gold just like the Christmas lights and he looked so stunning sitting there that Sirius had to remember to breathe. 

'The Potters reckon you’re in love with me.’

Their eyes met and Remus smiled sweetly, before unexpectedly replying, ‘I _am_ in love with you.'

 _Oh._ ‘You never said,' Sirius answered stupidly, wondering if he would be able to say anything coherent tonight. 

‘No I suppose not.' Remus leaned in to kiss him softly, the embroidery across the cuffs of his robes chafing against Sirius's freshly shaved jaw. 'You're in love with me too you know.'

Sirius blinked. ‘I am?'

Remus nodded, resting his head on Sirius's shoulder. ‘Well, are you seeing anyone else right now?’

Sirius shook his head, winding his arm around Remus's waist and pulling him closer. He was glad for the warming charms Remus had placed on them earlier as wetness from the snow began to seep into the back of his black robes. Unlike Remus's, they were not a heavy material and were made distinctly to billow so that he looked regal as he walked. 

‘Are you in love with James still?’

Definitely not. Sirius scrunched his face at the very thought. While he would always love James, his feelings had long ago become platonic. In fact, he realised, much to his own shock, he hadn't thought of James in a romantic sense for over a year now. 

‘We've lived together for almost a year now and I'm pretty sure you've changed your address on all your documents?' Sirius couldn't deny that. 'We walk home together, eat together, sleep together, and we go everywhere together as a couple.' Remus reasoned with mounting evidence. 'And you took me tonight to officially meet your family.'

It seemed Sirius was most definitely in love with Remus and he'd felt that way for some time now. It certainly made a lot of sense when he thought about all his feelings and motivations over the last few months. 'I wish I’d known sooner,' Sirius lamented. 'I would have bought you flowers and chocolates, and taken you out on nice dates, and bought you a matching ring…'

Remus laughed, pulling him into a sweet kiss. 'Daft bugger.'

Sirius pouted, feeling disgruntled that he hadn't realised all of this sooner. Well, he supposed it still wasn't too late. ‘Remus?’

'Hmm?'

‘I love you.'

Remus hid his smile in the warm crook of Sirius's neck. 'I love you, too.'

* * *

  
  



End file.
